{"id":63,"date":"2022-08-08T04:35:38","date_gmt":"2022-08-08T04:35:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kalaniperry.com\/?page_id=63"},"modified":"2022-08-08T04:50:49","modified_gmt":"2022-08-08T04:50:49","slug":"2012-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/kalaniperry.com\/?page_id=63","title":{"rendered":"2012"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>January 2, 2012\u202f <br \/>Life<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMake food. Take a bath. Do the fucking dishes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you implying that I don\u2019t?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot by the looks of things.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMaybe not often.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot often enough. How do you get a woman?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI get plenty of women.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, you get girls. Girls will put up with shit. They don\u2019t know better.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd I do?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou should.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Distracted<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI loved you. I loved loving you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt felt too hard.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLove is hard.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot that hard.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, I guess not.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>No, really<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGo outside and lie down on the floor.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s how you get arrested.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt seems that\u2019s what you wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What are you saying?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is a three-way thing\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo way, fuck you no way.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPut him on the stand.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t need to.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPut him up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFuck you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, fuck you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Conversations<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t carry on these conversations.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat conversations?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWith the thoughts in my head. Isn\u2019t that natural?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo it\u2019s not.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAm I sick?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 3, 2012\u202f <br \/>Light<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTurn on the light.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, I\u2019ve got to be strong.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTurn on the light.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s \u2019cause what happened to you when you were a kid.\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything happens to you from when you were a kid.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTurn on the light.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, I like being scared.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHoney, I don\u2019t like you being scared.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m so afraid. I can take it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hit<\/p>\n<p>If you hit a dog, they\u2019ll put you in jail. If you hit another person, you better have a good reason. Why are you allowed to hit your kids? The ones with the most loving, trusting attitudes you\u2019ll ever see. You beat them out of your own hatred and fear; what scares you. Not the other way around.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Perils<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI remember you being wicked smart. And funny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cUnfortunately wicked smart comes with wicked stupid.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSometimes, yeah. What do you remember about me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s shallow.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTry me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat you were about the prettiest thing I\u2019d ever seen, and.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd it gave you the power to just not give a fuck.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI sorta like that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI sorta like you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cKiss me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhere?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBrazen.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s my defining characteristic.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>This thing we\u2019re doing<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt isn\u2019t going to happen.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy not?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBecause we\u2019re just going to fuck. I don\u2019t want that right now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd everybody likes to fuck.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGo jerk off.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI was planning on it anyway.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah, I figured.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou do?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah but I\u2019m way hotter than you are. Wetter. Somewhat softer.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDon\u2019t tease.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOnly if you stop asking.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m done.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Verbiage<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not the words. It\u2019s not the comma or the semi-colon. It\u2019s the wrong word. The words are a disease and, unfortunately, it\u2019s my charge to cure it.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Girls<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ve fucked hot chicks before.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s all you seem to do\u201d <br \/>\u201cStop naming names.\u201d <br \/>\u201cStop being you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Open<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLet it be open.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s smart.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat\u2019s been smart up to now?\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet it be fucking open.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 4, 2012\u202f <br \/>No<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHis semen is in your body right now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy do you have to be ugly?\u201d <br \/>\u201cHis semen is in your body.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m sure some of it dripped out.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMean.\u201d <br \/>\u201cReally?\u201d <br \/>\u201cUnderstandable. That\u2019s all I\u2019ll give you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI wanted you so badly.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd I didn\u2019t want you until I lost you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019ve lost me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Knock, knock<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, that\u2019s how friends knock.\u201d <br \/>\u201cKnock?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell, they don\u2019t necessarily knock.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cKick it in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Urine<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou smell like urine. Homeless people smell like urine.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not exactly homeless.\u201d <br \/>\u201cClose enough.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not the only one without a job.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFind someone else white.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Phone<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou call her 15,000 times a day. Something is going on.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s not like it seems.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s always like it seems.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The store<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ve got to go to the store.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThey close at midnight.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s in, like, three hours.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShit happens.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShit happens to you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know. That\u2019s why we\u2019re in a hurry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Li hing<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat is it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou won\u2019t like it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCan I try it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou won\u2019t like it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIf you didn\u2019t grow up with it you won\u2019t like it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do you know?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re going to waste it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGive me a piece.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHere.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYuck.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat shit\u2019s expensive. At least hand it back.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGross.\u201d <br \/>\u201cReally? After what you did last night?\u201d <br \/>\u201cShut up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Meat<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, my god. That\u2019s raw.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo the grill just has to look at.\u201d <br \/>\u201c\u201dIt hasn\u2019t looked long enough.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTaste it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. I\u2019m not putting that in my mouth.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s what she said.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not funny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTurns out? That\u2019s also what she said.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 5, 2012\u202f <br \/>Prostitution<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think I\u2019m in love with a hooker.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen we can\u2019t hang out anymore.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPrejudice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you kidding me? I hardly judge anything. Smell my balls for god\u2019s sake.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo thank you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not judging. I just don\u2019t want to be in that situation. Trust me I like hookers.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen walk away.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ve already started walking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Anger management<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not mad at you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat? <br \/>\u201cI would be at me if I were you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat? Why? <br \/>\u201cBecause I fucked her.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhen?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s not like a one time thing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFuck.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know, right. At least you get her. I have to wait.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Carry<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow are you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow am I? How do you think I am?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI think you know what I mean.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe\u2019re going to be dead a lot longer than we\u2019re alive.\u201d <br \/>\u201cA little dramatic.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat have you come to expect?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt means every moment counts. Every breath. And you\u2019ve wasted so many of mine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Facts<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen\u2019s the last time you had sex?\u201d <br \/>\u201cLast week.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t like that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t like a lot of things. I\u2019m married. I have to fuck him.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean I like to think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Actions<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour words.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThey\u2019re too raw.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNobody has to look at them.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou put them everywhere.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNobody has to look.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Knowledge<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know too much.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t know enough.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd look what it brought you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s an easy thing to say. At least I love Emily Dickinson and punk rock.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd, so that makes you what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI guess smarter and sadder than you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe\u2019re still going to be the same dead in fifty years.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hold<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not beholden to you. I\u2019m not beholden to me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet you what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet me in. You can\u2019t do this alone.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cHoney, let me in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Uh<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t like losing my temper. Especially around you but I didn\u2019t lose that invoice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut? But? Toss my fucking account away and look at our past.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOkay.\u201d <br \/>\u201cToo late. fuck you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Incarceration<\/p>\n<p>Jail. I don\u2019t think you should go if you haven\u2019t been. And I don\u2019t suggest you do. But it will define you. It will make you or, more likely, it will break you. Be hard all the time? See what falls.<\/p>\n<p>January 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>Banal<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSince when did banality and mediocrity become the norm.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift are so sweet and talented.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. No they\u2019re not. They\u2019re just as fucked up as the rest of us.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you want your kids listening to?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t care I just want it coming from someplace.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLike Janis or Billie Holliday? They\u2019re not very good role models.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t care if they died in pools of their on vomit or blew their fucking heads off. I\u2019ll be the goddamn role model.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGood chance of that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah, well. At least they\u2019ll get fucked up listening to something good.<\/p>\n<p>January 7, 2012\u202f <br \/>Operation Ivy<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDaddy, daddy, daddy, I don\u2019t like that music.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re going to grow up with something that fucking rocks. Your mom and sister can have Taylor Swift. Now listen to M\u00f6torhead and to go to sleep. It sort of gets softer at the end of Overkill. And if you can\u2019t sleep? Be glad you have a dad that makes you listen to Operation Ivy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 8, 2012\u202f <br \/>Weaponry<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you have any weapons?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s a stupid question.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlmost anything in this room can be weaponized.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you carrying any weapons.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDid you not hear what I just said? That\u2019s a stupid question.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat would you have me ask?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIf my intent is to hurt you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIs it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWouldn\u2019t that have been easier?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re missing the point.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Necessities of us all<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you warm? Are you safe?\u201d <br \/>How did it come to that? I love them. I need them. I want them. How did I fall so far that they feel like these are necessary questions?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Food<\/p>\n<p>Everyone gets everything they want. Don\u2019t you see? That\u2019s what\u2019s the fucking problem.<\/p>\n<p>January 9, 2012\u202f <br \/>Different<\/p>\n<p>I go to the office to pay rent. And I look at the guy behind the desk. I don\u2019t mean this meanly. And I\u2019m, like, this. This is what you want to do with your life. Fuck. We are so different.<\/p>\n<p>January 21, 2012\u202f <br \/>Sobriety<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy do you sound so well?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cSober.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBecause I\u2019m sober. I could go get fucked up if you like and call back slurring.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019d prefer you didn\u2019t.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen don\u2019t ask if I\u2019m fucking sober. It\u2019s hard enough to be this way without being tested on it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCalm down.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI am calm. Why don\u2019t you fuck down a couple notches?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not calm.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOkay I lied. This fucking sucks. And your asking about it? Only brings it closer back. So shut up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat is uncalled for. Don\u2019t tell me to shut up in my own house.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShut the fuck up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 25, 2012\u202f <br \/>Do you want to see?<\/p>\n<p>Do you want to see me bleed? Do you want to see me come? Do you want to see me fall? Do you want to see me stagger? Do you want to see me drunk? Do you want to see me sober? Everything. Small or large. Everything. It is all for you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Who again?<\/p>\n<p>Who the fuck cares who gets caught in the middle? Left, right. 50-50. Everything is the same. We have to tear down the wall or nothing will ever be different. Nothing.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I\u2019ve fallen<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s over. Thank you, God it\u2019s over. I can see the light. I kiss grandma. I hug uncle. Then a voice rises. \u201cGo back. You\u2019re not finished yet. Go back.\u201d It\u2019s like a womb. It\u2019s so warm and I don\u2019t want to leave. \u201cYour daughter. Your son. Go back.\u201d I wake and I run home. I grab their hands and lift them to the sky. She giggles. He mocks her. And I try not to cry.<\/p>\n<p>January 26, 2012\u202f <br \/>The hurt<\/p>\n<p>Where are you? I look and I can\u2019t find you. Without you I have nothing and no one. How did we come to this place? How did you find me? Why did you find me? To make me want again? I had just smashed that need. And now it\u2019s back. I don\u2019t know to thank or to curse you. Need hurts. And I am so tired of hurting.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Sorry<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou broke me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not enough.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat\u2019s enough?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou go be sorry for ten years. You figure out a way you bring my youth back. You go back in time. You don\u2019t hit my mom. You don\u2019t hit me. Sorry? You\u2019re sorry. I hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 27, 2012\u202f <br \/>She calls at four in the morning<\/p>\n<p>She tells me, \u201cI have to go to bed.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re fucking kidding. Now I\u2019m up for the rest of the night? You know we live in different time zones, right? I\u2019m three hours ahead? It\u2019s four in the morning.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI just wanted to say good night.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGood night was six hours ago.\u201d But I love her. I love her. And tonight I\u2019m up all night.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Yuck<\/p>\n<p>Everyone makes 1000 mistakes. One more time just for old time\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n<p>January 28, 2012\u202f <br \/>Art at any cost<\/p>\n<p>Before anything new can be created, everything else must be destroyed.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The story<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI put you in the story.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t want to be in it. That\u2019s you not me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean? Here you are.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s your story not mine. Keep it to yourself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cToo late, you\u2019re in it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cKeep my fucking name out.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnyone that reads it is going to know it\u2019s you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know, asshole.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 29, 2012\u202f <br \/>Rememberance<\/p>\n<p>I remember. Maybe you have forgotten. But I remember. All I do is remember.<\/p>\n<p>January 30, 2012\u202f <br \/>Lies<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t fit.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI look into your eyes and it doesn\u2019t fit.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re lying.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAbout?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know. But I can see in your eyes that you\u2019re lying.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Midsummer<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOr, if there were a sympathy in choice, <br \/>War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it, <br \/>Making it momentary as a sound, <br \/>Swift as a shadow, short as any dream; <br \/>Brief as the lightning in the collied night, <br \/>That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth, <br \/>And ere a man hath power to say \u2018Behold!\u2019 <br \/>The jaws of darkness do devour it up <br \/>So quick bright things come to confusion.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do you know that shit?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI told you, fucking Punahou.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>And now<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo we play this game. You go \u201csssshhh.\u201d And I go \u201csssshhh.\u201d And then we stay silent. And everything around us gets to be grace and love. Fuck this. I want more. I want your undivided attention. I want it all. I want it all.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou can\u2019t have it all. You can only play a part.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean I can\u2019t want it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWant what you want. But you get what you get. Take or leave.\u201d <br \/>\u201cJesus. Fuck. Take.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>January 31, 2012\u202f <br \/>Okay I may have told a white lie<\/p>\n<p>I said I wouldn\u2019t talk about this. But your voice goes through me like a hot knife through butter. And I can feel you. Your voice is like an aria when it finally plays. Your face is like Da Vinci. And your attention is all I crave. And I can feel you. Your body is secondary. Of course, it serves a purpose. But it\u2019s your eyes. Your breath. The taste of your tongue. Our history. I\u2019m not just moved. I\u2019m shoved to the side by the memory of my will. Lucidity. Tranquility. You.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Stay<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you doing this because I said I love you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you doing this because I cannot cry?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. I\u2019m doing it because I love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cStay.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI can\u2019t. Goodbye, my love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You\u2019re crying<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re crying? Why are you crying?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYour words.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAll I have is my words.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. You have me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo you have others that need you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou have me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI? I have nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 1, 2012\u202f <br \/>Much<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love you too much.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI didn\u2019t know there could be too much.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd still you need more.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI always need more.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI give all that I can give.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI always need more. Too much is never enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>She<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe thinks too much of you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cReally?\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you have a second?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing starts good with that question.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet her out.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet her out of what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet her out of you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNever. That girl will always be mine.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe\u2019ll see.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes, we will fucking see.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>No can<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe pain of loss. I can\u2019t do it anymore. I can\u2019t live with and without you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou have me now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s not enough. I need more.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis is all you can have.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>42<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve lived on this Earth almost 42 years and everything that means anything to me fits in a duffle bag.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t fit in your duffle bag.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean to me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cOnce you said \u2018Everything\u2019\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything and nothing are a lot closer than you think.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 2, 2012\u202f <br \/>Forward, right?<\/p>\n<p>History tells us about ourselves. It informs everything about us. From your next breath to your next step. How the fuck do you know where you\u2019re going, if you have no idea where you\u2019ve been?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Chaotic<\/p>\n<p>If there is a God, he ain\u2019t got no plan. None that I can see. All I can see is a random chaos where nothing and no one matters. A loving remark or a wild car hits you on the street. Where is the purpose? Where is the meaning? I just don\u2019t see any.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Dark and light<\/p>\n<p>I absolutely refuse to let this loneliness kill me. No more downward spirals into the darkness. I will write about my experiences there, but no longer relive them in order to write them.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Numb<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEscape.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere is no escape here.\u201d <br \/>\u201cJust walk out.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWalk out of my mind? I don\u2019t think I\u2019d get very far before it caught up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo you sit in here and numb the pain?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes, I sit in here and numb the fucking pain.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow are you ever going to get out?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you even have a plan?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes. To numb the fucking pain. Please leave. I don\u2019t need a guilt-trip right now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s been almost four years.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTrust me. It\u2019s been a lot longer than that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Visceral and intellectual<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m trying to write so that the visceral and the intellectual are equally represented. And explain in cogent, descriptive, raw terms how a metaphorical punch in the gut feels. How it feels to flail, to fall down, and then pull yourself up and do it again. Then, reflect on it and make it as real as I can. Complete transparency and total honesty, as I know them any way, is the only way out. And the only way to stop falling.<\/p>\n<p>February 3, 2012\u202f <br \/>Nihility<\/p>\n<p>I believe it\u2019s almost immoral to perpetuate superstitions, however comforting, onto anyone outside yourself. We\u2019ve been creating these stories since fire, and hominids becoming bipeds. They explain the unexplainable with specific myths that change in every culture and over the millennia. With no empirical evidence whatsoever, these ridiculous stories become embedded. And then people kill and die for them. We are chimpanzees that figured out how to talk and start a fire. Nothing more.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>La verdad<\/p>\n<p>Being an artist means expressing your true feelings. Whether it be on canvas or WordPress. Simple. Honest. Clarity. Redaction. Reduction. Forms. No compromise. Often in the moment. No regret. Being an artist means being the truth.<\/p>\n<p>February 5, 2012\u202f <br \/>The valley of the shadow of whatever<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re going to walk through the valley? You better watch your back. If there is a God? He only helps those that help themselves.<\/p>\n<p>February 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>Where do you think you\u2019re going?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s dark outside. Are you going to walk? What if you need to run? What happens when you run out of money? What is your plan? What about your kids?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t know? What kind of stupid fucking answer is that?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t know, you don\u2019t know. You are so frustrating.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat, I do know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you so.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 7, 2012\u202f <br \/>Weird<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPeople think I\u2019m crazy, off-putting and weird.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy do you say that?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBecause I\u2019m crazy, off-putting and weird.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hide<\/p>\n<p>See with your eyes. Smell with your nose. Taste with your tongue. Nothing in this world is hidden.<\/p>\n<p>February 8, 2012\u202f <br \/>Fiction<\/p>\n<p>The stories I tell, though embellished by a personal myth system, are for the most part true. But fictional, lest I step on the wrong toes. This is all fiction.<\/p>\n<p>February 9, 2012\u202f <br \/>Hard<\/p>\n<p>Do you know how hard it is to be what I am?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Whole<\/p>\n<p>This person. This life. This feeling. It all comes down to this doesn\u2019t it? She. This woman. She makes me feel like I am more than I am. And with her, I am more than I am. God bless and yada yada. She makes me whole.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Having<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can have me when you\u2019re here, but I\u2019m not yours.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWere you ever mine?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere might have been a time, but I didn\u2019t trust you so I walked away.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd now?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI still don\u2019t believe in love.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s what you say.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hurt<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s weird, how when it\u2019s fresh it hurts.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd now?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd now it\u2019s just numb.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo, you don\u2019t love me anymore.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI think I do. I just can\u2019t feel it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. Not really.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 10, 2012\u202f <br \/>Drunk<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re drunk.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo are you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re not supposed to drink.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSays who? The drunk police?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI worry about you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI worry about myself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re so frustrating.\u201d <br \/>\u201cImagine being with me all the time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know, right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Anger<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you feel that anger? Do you feel how it burns?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI hate you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know. But do you feel it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s how I always feel.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do you live like this?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI want you to die.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSooner or later I\u2019m sure I will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Miss<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere are you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not sure I even miss you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou started it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not unavailable. You knew the situation going in.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean I liked it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s on you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, it\u2019s on you too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What matters<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI want them to know how great you can be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t feel great.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter what you feel. It matters what you do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI haven\u2019t done anything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo it now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Out<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to know how we got here.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt just happens I guess.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis shit just happens?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell, this is where we are.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis is where we are. I\u2019m not happy.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat can I do?\u201d <br \/>\u201cChange.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing ever changes. Not really.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen what are you asking for?\u201d <br \/>\u201cOut.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Kill<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow hard would that have been?\u201d <br \/>\u201cTo what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cTo wake up one day and be like everybody else.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI can\u2019t answer that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy do you always have to be the bad seed? The damaged goods?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m different?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re not different. You\u2019re like everybody else.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re right. Not everyone is killing themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Unconditional<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour friends are right. You have a good heart.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut you\u2019re stuck. And I can\u2019t be stuck with you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI thought unconditional meant without conditions.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI didn\u2019t say I don\u2019t love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut, I cannot be with you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat\u2019s the difference?\u201d <br \/>\u201cTrust me. There is one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 11, 2012\u202f <br \/>Seventeen<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy eyes hurt. My stomach burns.\u201d <br \/>\u201cStop living like you do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd what is that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLike a 17-year old.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThank you for the advice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI need to tell you something.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShit.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you sitting down?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis should be good.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhen does the shoe drop?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere\u2019s no shoe. There\u2019s no drop. I love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShit. That buildup. I thought it was done.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou can\u2019t get rid of me that easily.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Let go<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPart of life is learning to let things go.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you letting me go?\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you want to be gone?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat kind of silly game is this? <br \/>\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know much, but I know I want you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen say it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI want you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot right now. No.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Faith<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t take this the wrong way.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI have almost no faith in you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cJesus, is there a right way to take that?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe totally emasculated version of me or me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cStop.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 12, 2012\u202f <br \/>Thread<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGo say you\u2019re sorry.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou hurt her feelings.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMaybe her feelings are a little too light.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGo say you\u2019re sorry. We\u2019re all just hanging here by a fucking thread.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Vicarious<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho are you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ve known you ten years and I feel like you\u2019re a stranger.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m a stranger to myself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt hurts.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt does. This distance.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis distance.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCan I come home?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 13, 2012\u202f <br \/>Do, don\u2019t try<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy are you like this?\u201d <br \/>\u201cLike what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo far away.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m lost.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen get found.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIf it was that easy I would have done it years ago.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGet to it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Stripper<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re dating a 19-year old stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShe\u2019s had a few problems. She\u2019s off her meds.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat is wrong with you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI like pretty girls?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAt what expense?\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Forever<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRemember the days we thought we were going to live forever?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd now?\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything comes to an end.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat are you saying?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat are you saying?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing lasts forever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Missing<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s like you\u2019re a dead man walking.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI can\u2019t feel anything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo many people love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot the kind that you want, but I do love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat hurts more than nothing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIs that what you want?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019d prefer that to feeling this way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Joy<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo we leave as we came alone.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s better to have no joy and no sorrow.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI miss the joy.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen embrace the sorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 14, 2012\u202f <br \/>Lover<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s coming out again.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMaybe.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHe\u2019s your lover.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI didn\u2019t say that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t have to say anything. Do you love him?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you want me to say?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe truth.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Anywhere<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d <br \/>\u201cHome.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI wish I were coming with you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCome.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI need to stay.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI need to go.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re never going to get anywhere if you\u2019re only doing it for yourself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCome.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 15, 2012\u202f <br \/>Relax<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho are you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know who you are.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBaby, relax.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDon\u2019t tell me to relax. There\u2019s a stranger in my bed.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not a stranger. What do you want from me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe truth.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. You don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Better<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI often find myself thinking about the attraction of beauty and death.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy are you so morbid?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy are you so happy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t worry myself with these things.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThese things are all I think about.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCome back. Come back to us. Come back to life.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m doing my best to just get through.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo better.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Home<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGo home.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIs that what you would do?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know what I would do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen how in the fuck do you tell me to go home?\u201d <br \/>\u201cGo home. Be there for them.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know how to be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFind it within yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Bones<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can see your clavicles. Pronounced.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo?\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo it means you\u2019re getting too skinny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI like being too skinny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet me touch you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI want to feel you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 16, 2012\u202f <br \/>Be<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t have your strength.\u201d <br \/>\u201cEndure.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not quite sure I know how.\u201d <br \/>\u201cJust be. Just be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 19, 2012\u202f <br \/>Insomnia<\/p>\n<p>I suffer from intense, crushing insomnia. My record is seven days with no sleep at all, at the end of which I had a seizure. But at least that finishes in fireworks, a trip to the E.R., an I.V., and a prescription for Ativan. It used to be Ambien, but that\u2019s another story. The worst are when insomnia turns into months of broken, fitful, not-quite sleep. The half-dreams, the struggle to shut your racing mind juxtaposed with a quiet loneliness as the world is still, and the grogginess of being first outside during \u201cregular\u201d hours. The condition provokes an array of well-intentioned home remedies, but my favorite is, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just go to sleep?\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t\u202fI\u202fthink of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 24, 2012\u202f <br \/>Mantra<\/p>\n<p>I sit in a dark corner and watch movies on a 13-inch screen. I\u2019ve stopped watching documentaries about physiology and anatomy because they make me think about decay and its relation to forever. And I\u2019ve never been much for romances, but now even scenes that show connection in movies not centered on a relationship seem to exacerbate my feelings of quiet. I repeat platitudes to myself like mantras never quite believing them. Things like, \u201cBeing alone doesn\u2019t have to mean being lonely.\u201d Liar.<\/p>\n<p>February 26, 2012\u202f <br \/>You are not alone<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt feels that way most of the time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat way?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlone.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re not alone.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDoes that matter if it feels that way?\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything matters all the time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI thought I\u2019d know better. I thought I\u2019d go further.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou talk like it\u2019s too late.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIsn\u2019t it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNever.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI wish I had your scrubbed-clean view of possibility.\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything is a choice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot everything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFair enough. But this is.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShow me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t work unless you show yourself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOf course.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes. Of course.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>February 27, 2012\u202f <br \/>Share with the world<\/p>\n<p>I am so in love with you right now. All I can feel is your breath on my neck, your soft lips against mine, your body filling the crooks of my own. I wish that you were here, like water filling completely the empty spaces. Leaving nothing but absolute touch.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Grief<\/p>\n<p>I find myself sobbing sometimes. Wherefore? I don\u2019t know. It comes often at the recognition of sacrifice. Television. The newspaper. Someone giving everything. It resonates. What have I sacrificed? What have I given? What did I trade in to be what I am? This feeling of a personal integrity, often failed. At what cost? No compromises have put me in compromising positions. I can be more careful now. I know where the boundaries are. And I will tip-toe to the ledge, look down, and rage. Middle finger raised. Congress shall make no law respecting yada yada yada. These small-minded, ignorant bully-boys will not define me. Now that I understand the logistics, there\u2019s nothing to be scared of. Now that I understand how things work, I won\u2019t walk with my head down and passively accept what\u2019s given to me. The system is a joke, run by amateurs who understand nothing but the worship of the status quo. I won\u2019t do what you tell me.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Pick-up sticks<\/p>\n<p>I had reassured myself then that these things take time. Like a game of pick-up sticks I needed to be patient. I needed steady hands to extricate her from the pile of former lovers and current suitors, to remove her from the situation without disturbing any of the others. Without disturbing her. So I got drunk and steadied my hands. And waited.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Plumelia<\/p>\n<p>plumeria.jpgI walk to the store and I can smell the magnolias as the stench permeates the misty morning. I don\u2019t see the sun. The smell suggests the plumerias from home. Almost a stink sweet. But for some reason, the magnolias stink like death, like the slow burn of a Southern dying melancholy. Plumerias, so common, so complex, represent the opposite in my nose\u2019s eye. The sap bleeding from the picked flowers or broken branches that ooze white lifeblood. So common, so complex. Like the rebirth of long-awaited airport greetings, or high school graduates buried in flora. It is the surging force of beauty and occasion, of celebration and happy.<\/p>\n<p>February 28, 2012\u202f <br \/>I got it bad and that ain\u2019t good<\/p>\n<p>I see the veins in my wrists. Pushing hard against the skin. Vibrating. Pulsing. I listen to Nina Simone and she makes me vibrate. Her real name was Eunice Waymon, so you might forgive her stage name. Presence. Where are these presences? What are going to come to replace? Brittany, Christina, Jennifer? Nothing seems to fit. Janis. Billie. Nina. They make their own sentences.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Borderless<\/p>\n<p>My\u202fnew favorite website,\u202fand not just because I\u2019m a contributor.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Agenda<\/p>\n<p>What are we going to do? Should we push forward? Or should we peel back? There\u2019s a man standing next to me, and the music is making his eye tear up. My eye. That man is me. We\u2019re crawling. We\u2019re happy, but we\u2019re sad. What goes on now? What happens? Who am I? Who are you?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Dabble<\/p>\n<p>I am so far removed from home. I dabble in the politics of there and all I can feel is foreign. Hawai\u2018i may look and feel like paradise, but it\u2019s nothing less than a battleground. Because it retreated, people won\u2019t remember, but same-sex marriage was put on the battlefront there first. And to it\u2019s eternal shame, Hawaii let the religio-fascists walk her in the other direction.<\/p>\n<p>I wake up sometimes and worry about us. Us. You can see episodes of humans being small everywhere, and that truth fills me as much with wonder as sadness or disdain. After any kind of real connection with any kind of real person it\u2019s amazing to contemplate how small we often are. But we are.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes I wonder what I\u2019m doing. Why can\u2019t I just put my head down and serve life as it is requested. Unfortunately, or perhaps most fortunately, that is not me. Love is my call. And this rabble-rouse seems to be its manifestation in my understanding. I may be frowning, but I love you.<\/p>\n<p>February 29, 2012\u202f <br \/>Scientology<\/p>\n<p>There are so many wonderful things about this country. Unfortunately, the best about us lies in the abstract. America has always been a nation knee-deep in hypocrisy. It\u2019s almost clich\u00e9 to point out the tug between slavery and rhetoric. Let\u2019s go church and state.<\/p>\n<p>Rick Santorum. If he wasn\u2019t so beatable I would be carrying a flamethrower in the streets. This disingenuous, rapacious, vomitous, torturous blight on society. How is anyone so anti-mind. His belief system is so backwards, that in my heart of hearts I believe it\u2019s a political mechanism. It\u2019s like Scientology. No rational person can believe that shit. It\u2019s just a tool to keep people with insight at bay. Out of harm\u2019s way.<\/p>\n<p>How did we fall so far? How did we get to the point where small-minded ignoramuses actually have a national spotlight? My only reprise is that the other party has a philandering hypocrite (Gingrich), psychotic bigot (Santorum), and fairy tale-believing zealot (Romney) as their front runners. But how did it get to this? Really? Have we fallen so far?<\/p>\n<p>Are we so desperate that we believe this nonsense? Where is the accountability? Why do we have to be sinners in the hands of an angry god? Are you that afraid? Open your eyes little boy. Your fears aren\u2019t going to change anything. Hopefully they exacerbate what scares you most.<\/p>\n<p>March 1, 2012\u202f <br \/>Knowing<\/p>\n<p>This everything. This anything. This something. This nothing. Feel the voices, feel the breath. Nothing can\u2019t give you anything no matter how hard it tries. I saw a girl on the bus today.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCan I have your number?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI have a boyfriend.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI wasn\u2019t picking up on you necessarily.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou look like you were.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cGood looking.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI guess I might take that as a compliment.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTake it how you want to.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m going to give you my number.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat makes you think I want it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know you do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re cute.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re pretty. When you\u2019re not being a challenge.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlways.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou better.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWith you, my love, I know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>March 3, 2012\u202f <br \/>Memory<\/p>\n<p>I remember thinking, \u201cMaybe this can all end. If I just close my eyes. You know I ain\u2019t going to fit inside that picket fence. What now?\u201d Yeah, right.<\/p>\n<p>March 5, 2012\u202f <br \/>A question<\/p>\n<p>Love. Faith. Was it a dream? Where does it come from? Where does it go? Who is going to save me from myself? Clearly I\u2019m not up to the job.<\/p>\n<p>There is only this. All else is fake, is false, is nothing. Who am I? Is it wrong that I let you, that I want you to define me? Who am I, my love? Who am I?<\/p>\n<p>March 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>I guess, again<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe can\u2019t all be smart.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow many times are you going to fuck up?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAs many times as you let me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou think you\u2019re smart, asshole?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, in fact, I think I\u2019m stupid.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWise ass.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI am what I am.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>March 7, 2012\u202f <br \/>Taste<\/p>\n<p>I want to taste you. I want to feel the small of your back as I pull you into my mouth. I want to taste you. I want to taste destiny. The hope you represent. The life not lived. Alive. With you I am alive.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Flaw<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou are a genius. But you are flawed\u201d <br \/>\u201cWho isn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>March 9, 2012\u202f <br \/>The teather<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHold on. Pull it in, pull it in, pull it in.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOh, god, why them? Why am I waiting for you? Why am I the fool? What am I missing? Why do I need you to pull me though?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>March 10, 2012\u202f <br \/>Morning<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s been a long night. I\u2019ve been waiting for the morning. It\u2019s been a long time. Things are bad, things are sad. But the morning is hope. It represents hope. I\u2019m bad, but I\u2019m not evil. And the morning is always there to represent reciprocity and maybe the goodness of mankind.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Life lessons<\/p>\n<p>Hold it, God, while you can. Maybe use your left hand. I\u2019m going to bend right now. But lately every time I lay down. I can\u2019t even close my eyes. You put me here. You made me what I am. If you exist. If you\u2019re there. Make it end, please.<\/p>\n<p>March 11, 2012\u202f <br \/>The world<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook at the world.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere are many worlds. The one you see. And the one I see.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>March 12, 2012\u202f <br \/>Guns<\/p>\n<p>Who puts the guns in hands of these people? <br \/>Of, course the answer is we do. <br \/>Where do the guns come from? <br \/>They come from America. <br \/>And we have culpability in the blood of all the death.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Scared<\/p>\n<p>\u201d What are we taught? What do I see? I\u2019m scared.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat is the beginning of wisdom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Front<\/p>\n<p>Front and back? They follow one another. Am I good? Am I evil? The back follows the front.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Anger<\/p>\n<p>Anger is the deadliest disease. And I have learned this truth too closely.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Truth<\/p>\n<p>The truth will not be cheated. Look at your feet. Look at your hands. The truth is what it is. And it will not be cheated.<\/p>\n<p>March 13, 2012\u202f <br \/>Stink<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve had the same bar of soap and bottle of shampoo for nine months.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s fucking gross.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t stink do I?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not the point. <br \/>\u201cFair enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Are<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t feel people. I don\u2019t feel them like I used to. I don\u2019t feel lost, but I\u2019m not found. I\u2019m not heavy, but I\u2019m not light. I miss you. And I hate you. We are who we are. I repeat it as a mantra. We are who we are. Why are things like they are? Because they are.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hard<\/p>\n<p>One\u2019s words? They are rarely better then silence. Keep silent or come hard. Let me tell you first. I will most likely be harder than you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Seek not to contend<\/p>\n<p>Where there is no contention? There is neither defeat or victory.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The Tao<\/p>\n<p>My way is the Tao. And I will always look to seek for it.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Attack<\/p>\n<p>Peace and quiet comes before victory. When attacked? Run away.<\/p>\n<p>March 19, 2012\u202f <br \/>First-time readers<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes I feel like Elwood Blues, who (with brother Jake) is seemingly surrounded by those that would maim, kill, or arrest him if given the chance.\u202fI\u2019m Elwood, this here\u2019s my brother Jake. And we\u2019re The Good Ol\u2019 Blues Brothers Boys Band\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yet even with a clear disclaimer\u2013not inches to your right\u2013still think it is an autobiography. It\u2019s not. I have people (those that know me in real life, anyway) who inquire about my mental health more than ever before. Thank you for the concern. I\u2019m no more crazy than you crazy bastards. I think I should write about it. Oh wait, I do. Don\u2019t worry, just like all banks, loan officers, and credit-scoring companies, I have an\u202finfallible\u202fsystem to protect your identities. I change your names through a complex, though confidential, algorithm. Will? You are Bill. Mar\u00eda? You are now Mary. And Dave? You are almost invisible as Davey. Sweet. And I promise never to do anything ill-toward with that information, nor will I share it with any third-party company nor any government that asks about you, should you be one of their\u202fknown dissidents\u202fcitizens.<\/p>\n<p>I guess I can\u2019t keep you out (if I could just talk Google into giving me the last-three digits of your i.p. address? I\u2019d probably know more about you than your mother does. If Facebook cooperated? I\u2019d be taking treasure baths, while tanks rolled down the center streets of every city in every nation. I\u2019m a strong proponent of totalitarianism, when I\u2019m the benevolent dictator. Ask anyone in my 8th grade Spanish Club, which I ruled with an iron fist circa 1983. (\u201cI said a horse pin\u00e3ta, when this is clearly a donkey. Take it end back.\u201d)<\/p>\n<p>Sorry, way off base there. These stories, reflections fictionalized remembrances and outbursts are about a character in my near identical demographic, so I can see why some people may get confused (this counts for people who don\u2019t know what a disclaimer is.) Sometimes when it is true, I\u2019ll name names, but then only in a positive context.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t write about rainbows and unicorns and Skittles\u00ae raining down edible, sweet candy from the sky. The content is mostly graphic, sometimes pornographic, and sometimes it\u2019s just plain mean. There will be a lot of \u201dfucks.\u201d No, I mean a whole fucking lot. And in several contexts. I think this\u202flesson\u202fcovers it pretty well.<\/p>\n<p>If you don\u2019t like that? You\u2019ll probably enjoy it\u202fhere. But not if you\u2019re over 12, because then it\u2019s just creepy.<\/p>\n<p>Name That Movie Disclaimer  \u201cYou took the gravestones out but you didn\u2019t take the bodies did you?\u201d And if you think about it\u2013think!\u2013this is an excellent metaphor.<\/p>\n<p>March 26, 2012\u202f <br \/>Creationism<\/p>\n<p>My six-year old told me, \u201cDaddy, you believe in science and not God, right?\u201d First thing I said (internally) was, \u201cI hate the south, more specifically, Texas.\u201d Then, (externally) I said, \u201cMy sweet little girl, don\u2019t trouble your mind, you can feel both.\u201d I hated the ignorant influence of whatever teacher had put that thought in her mind, but it\u2019s a pointless struggle. Fear is a powerful motivator, especially in the context of a belief system.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s easier? To attribute existence, as we know it, to chaos and a random result with no finish line\u2013no justice!\u2013at the end? It is as it is? Or would you rather a father who makes everything better? He raises up the fallen, and metes out justice to the wicked. That feels better when you are fallen, or perceive your situation to be unjust. Virtue is rewarded. Suffering is never in vain, right? Justice must be the cosmic balance.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s pretty to think so isn\u2019t it.<\/p>\n<p>March 27, 2012\u202f <br \/>Sometimes<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s hard to sing with your soul. To let that voice, your true voice, out. Sometimes we are bigger than we are. And it makes it harder to be smaller again. Learn to live like a god, and you will be one. Feel it in the moment. Bigger, stronger. Everything all the time.<\/p>\n<p>March 29, 2012\u202f <br \/>Trust me, it\u2019s harder on this side<\/p>\n<p>Lies. They should be considered as a certainty. People lie. The consequences of which range from from null to hurt feelings to incarceration. Who is more believable? Unfortunately, I have exhausted my credibility by crying the proverbial \u201cwolf\u201d too many times. The irony is that now that I don\u2019t give a fuck, I rarely lie. My defining characteristic, good or bad, has become transparency. It\u2019s too hard to hide in the era of Facebook. So I do the opposite. I share it all. And not always is this a helpful strategy. But I know that I have nothing to hide. Like Popeye, I ams what I ams. Judge not. Lest ye be judged. And we\u2019re all fucked. You know that as well as I.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Slip sliding away<\/p>\n<p>I feel you slipping away. Nothing you did or I did. Shit just happens. What an explosion it once was. Your body, the proverbial temple. Your mind. Your spirit. I don\u2019t like it, but I feel it slipping away. Always to be appreciated. But not in the now. Not in the tastes. Not in the smell. You will always be to me a perfect symbol of what might be. What was. But it was never forever. As pretty as that thought might have been. It couldn\u2019t happen. And it didn\u2019t. It was what we needed at the time. And now you need something else. I would waste one wish on that it were me. But that\u2019s what it would be. Wasted. I love you and always will. And, of course, you can always come back. I just don\u2019t think you will.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Bikini\u2019s<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t remember how I got to Bikini\u2019s or why. It was across town in an area I\u2019d only ever driven past. But I knew when I went there I needed a drink. My right hand was shaking so badly that I had to hold it with my left as I took a long draw from a tall glass of beer. I was self-conscious about my shaking until the realization came that it\u2019s probably not that big a deal for any bartender who\u2019s been working longer than a day.<\/p>\n<p>I took a shot of rot-gut tequila and fought the immediate urge to vomit on the bar. I caught the waitress\u2019 eye and with a twirling of my right index finger ordered another round. I traded the burning sensation in my throat and stomach for the warm glow of calm and confidence. My hands were still.<\/p>\n<p>Now, again, why was I here? I looked around the bar and suddenly from the recesses of my memory realized that I had been here before. In 2006, before the fall, I had come here to watch BJ Penn in some Ultimate Fighting Championship or other. I chose it because there was no cover. It was a rip-off of Hooters, with a uniform of various states of undress. Bikini\u2019s was actually a misnomer. Despite no obvious protest from the clientele, nor the hall monitors from the health department, there were breasts, buttocks and pudenda with close proximity to nachos and chicken wings. I, of course, was here for the salads. Repeated rounds of tequila and lager were merely dressing.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Mental polaroids<\/p>\n<p>I need to get out of myself. I\u2019m too much in my own head and I\u2019m sometimes overwhelmed by the power of my necessity to feel. A blessing and a curse. My whole scattered life has been a blessing and a curse.<\/p>\n<p>Help me. I think I need you at the exact moment I realize I shouldn\u2019t tell you that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to crawl into bed with you and pull tight up close and finally sleep for a while with your breath being the last thing I hear as I drift off.<\/p>\n<p>I wish I could see those six pictures I took of you, late at night on May 19, 2010 when I captured you forever, arms in the air, and a happy, pursed-lip smile, dancing to whatever song we were playing at the time, more sweet than sexy, but oh so fucking sexy. In that moment you, and I through you, were perfect.<\/p>\n<p>March 30, 2012\u202f <br \/>Blue<\/p>\n<p>For the first time in a long time, in years, I feel like I\u2019m making decisions not out of desperation or need, but out of love and optimism and hope. I feel like after a string of bad decisions, I\u2019m finally making the right one. You.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m having a good Sunday, thinking about you, thinking about the future. There\u2019s a line from a book called\u202fThe Pawnbroker\u202fthat goes \u201cEverything I loved was taken from me. And I did not die.\u201d It is with that defiant optimism that I sit with a smile on the still-wet-with-dew grass under a cloudless sky that at the horizon is just about the color of your eyes.<\/p>\n<p>How wonderful it was to hear your sweet voice; I\u2019m just off the phone with you now. How quickly 20 minutes slips into the ether. The excitement in the air around me is palpable\u2013 crackles and snaps electric\u2013as I contemplate finally being together with you, filling in the crevices of my emptiness with the warmth of your body.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The thing is<\/p>\n<p>Only I, like Ishmael, only I am left to tell you. The last six years of my life have been bad. And the last three have been a nightmare. A nightmare in which I have become inexplicable, even to myself, and scary to those that have crossed the line and chosen to love me. Pity them if you have pity. When I drink this rage, this terror, and most of all this inability to explain paralyzes the love that has been so graciously granted upon me. I don\u2019t understand it, even while I live it.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Afflicted<\/p>\n<p>Only those that have been there understand. The agonies of adolescent obesity. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury? Look at this tangle of thorns.<\/p>\n<p>I feel like this must be prefaced with the following disclaimer so deeply rooted is the hurt, so deeply buried is the truth. The path to normalcy begins with a blind acceptance and a willingness to do whatever makes \u201cnormal\u201d possible.<\/p>\n<p>I believe it is impossible for the truth to be spoken, objectively or rationally. I still bristle at the inability\u2013at the refusal\u2013to recognize the similarities between pathologies like alcoholism, addiction or psychosis. And the idea that the damage caused remains insulated, affecting only one person, is disingenuous or, more likely, another form of denial.<\/p>\n<p>So deeply rooted is the hurt, so deeply buried is the truth. I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s my place to out the casual ties of this internal war. I can only, with any integrity, speak about myself.<\/p>\n<p>My whole life, my self-esteem, who I am, has a perfect inverse relationship with my weight. The less I weighed, the better person I was. And it it didn\u2019t matter how it was achieved. Anorexia. Bulimia. Body dysmorphia. I cannot see myself without having revulsion for a body so distorted by long-ago obesity that it will never be normal to me. I still flinch when a lover touches my abdomen, distended and forever changed by what I once was.<\/p>\n<p>I rarely appear shirtless without necessity of the situation. Shirtless only with the dysfunctional shield of shame.<\/p>\n<p>So with this problem, these problems, how can I possibly say my relationships are unaffected by it. Surely my revulsion has been noticed by my lovers. By my kids. And how are they to believe, \u201cI love you no matter what,\u201d when I clearly hate myself?<\/p>\n<p>The truth is I would rather be dead than fat again. And I know it\u2019s wrong to feel this way. My twenty-year weight loss camouflaged in the correct clothing makes my weight control a success story. Unfettered access to the recesses of my memory would undoubtedly show the monsters that made me fat so many years ago. This only looks like success.<\/p>\n<p>April 1, 2012\u202f <br \/>Guilty until found innocent<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re ahead of the game if you can afford to hire an attorney. Court-appointed doesn\u2019t have the financial incentive to provoke an attorney\u2019s best effort. I was told by mine, \u201cYou get what you pay for.\u201d And he may be, though disgusting, he was the most honest person I endured in the process.<\/p>\n<p>It is hard to deny the fact, with any credibility, that racism, sexism, and a myriad of prejudices based mostly on a socio-economic status are hard wired into the system. It is what it is. And always has been. This so-called system of justice. I have several anecdotal experiences that I have seen that seem to empirically prove this sad fact.<\/p>\n<p>A white defendant I shared a cell with was offered six years probation for being caught with two kilograms of cocaine. A first degree felony and he walked. Our Latino cellmate was given five years in prison (he was in year four of a five-year probation for possession of cocaine for violating probation with alcohol in his urine.)<\/p>\n<p>Is he innocent? Of course not. But does the justice meted out seem fair to any rationale person? Not quite to me. His first dirty urinalysis. And an history of addiction. Again, these are anecdotes not intended to illustrate any typical punishment, but the variance is so egregious they they are indicative of a flawed, racist, unfair often unethical system. The saddest part about it all is that almost everyone accepts the status quo as \u201cjust the way it is,\u201d and that the gangster motherfucker got exactly what he \u201cdeserved.\u201d I was in a cell with him for two days. I promise you. That\u2019s not what he deserved. Flawed, yes. But kind-hearted and fighting a disease that not many can beat. When I asked him if he was angry at the discrepancy in punishment his response was telling. \u201cWelcome to Texas, fool.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s if your guilty. If you\u2019re innocent there is no system in place for pre-trial negotiation. An innocent person, willing to go to trial, has nothing to offer the prosecutor. An innocent person or, of course, someone adamantly claiming to be, is the worst case scenario for the D.A. It represents the most work (gathering evidence, subpoenas, interviewing witnesses) and provides the most risk. Like everyone in this adversarial system, the prosecution doesn\u2019t like to lose (this is exponentially true in Texas where D.A.\u2019s are elected; won-loss records are kept like baseball standings (not publicly, of course) and EVERYONE in the system knows the winners from the losers. Prosecutors, however, only risk losing face, not liberty.<\/p>\n<p>To avoid trial and mitigate risk they will use whatever leverage is provided. The most common tactic is seeking an oppressive bail. An incarcerated defendant is far more likely to accept a plea bargain if only to regain his liberty. And since bail is almost arbitrarily set by a judge\u2013who works with the same prosecutors everyday and presumably has established at least a working relationship with them\u2013leaves almost no recourse for the indigent defendant once bail has been established. The presumption of innocence at this point means almost nothing as a poor defendant has no means of release.<\/p>\n<p>April 2, 2012\u202f <br \/>Tofu<\/p>\n<p>I made seaweed, and tofu, and bulb onions, an miso. It was so comforting. It made me feel like home.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>She had a confident smile but a nervous cough, and we got off<\/p>\n<p>I never knew anyone like her. She seemed a different person than she was. She said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry people think I\u2019m pretty.\u201d And she was pretty. But the beauty came with pain. She was abused. And even though she was massively intelligent, the majority only saw her face and her body. Which were incredible. But some of us looked deeper. I loved her, like I might never love again.<\/p>\n<p>What a waste. What a tragedy this love was. Empty. Lost forever. Never to be recovered. She has stars in her eyes. But terror in her heart and weight in her feet. We were lost before we were found. We were at some party, and she didn\u2019t say anything. And I knew it was the beginning of the ends of things.<\/p>\n<p>April 3, 2012\u202f <br \/>Waking life<\/p>\n<p>I stay up late and get up early. I irritate my friends because they all live in different time zones and my rings come at shitty times. I\u2019m a good friend so usually they take my calls. I\u2019m blessed with the lovers and loved ones and friends and family. Not just anyone will take a call at 554 am. I\u2019m pretty certain that if necessary mine will. Thank you, my love.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Things<\/p>\n<p>I miss the soft kisses. I miss your body. I miss the warm touches. I cry at the emptiness were once there was fullness, I miss how you made me whole. And now I feel empty. And now there is no you anymore. I am pathetic and alone.<\/p>\n<p>April 4, 2012\u202f <br \/>Little boy<\/p>\n<p>The constant over-stimulation with music, movies with my quasi-Bohemian love churning. And when I have been free, the deep never-found appreciation, for what I do and have loved in terms of what I\u2019ve have loved and allowed in my ear, eyes, and mouth holes.. The ability to face deep-seated fears with calm and stillness, and the ability to regain control, somehow lost after briefly losing it. A reintroduction to a capacity for love manifest in an ability to forgive, and a need for artistic accomplishment with completed works of consequence is a distinct\u2013perhaps ultimate\u2013goal of the life I\u2019ve been given. Finally, new found. Perhaps finding is the more correct tense. The ability to turn things over in my life to the Universe. That unnamed creature loving, for lack of a better word, energy that represents everything. What is the way it is. Only good things happen when I let it be. Close your eyes little boy. There will be an answer.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>We all go for the blonde<\/p>\n<p>Sweet, sweet girl. I loved you. And maybe I was wrong. But I did love you. My bad, my wrong. But I did love you.<\/p>\n<p>April 5, 2012\u202f <br \/>Life<\/p>\n<p>What is the purpose of life? Why are we here? What is life? Who am I? Who are you? Is there any meaning? I don\u2019t see one.<\/p>\n<p>April 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>Voices<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m seeing things that aren\u2019t here. I\u2019m hearing things that aren\u2019t here.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou have to go to sleep.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou make it sound so easy.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd you make it too hard.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Here<\/p>\n<p>Here is God\u2019s hand. Mine it\u2019s not what you are; it\u2019s what you think you are.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Perhaps<\/p>\n<p>You didn\u2019t live the right life. But it was your life. And in a way it was the only life that mattered. You matter. Your life matters. In a way it\u2019s the only life that matters. Cherish it, because it\u2019s all you\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n<p>April 7, 2012\u202f <br \/>Girls<\/p>\n<p>I dreamed I kissed a girl. But there are no girls. There is only humiliation. I love women. Women are my favorite thing. And it\u2019s perhaps an irony that they hate me so much.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Birthday<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s almost my birthday. The day of my birth. What a waste. What a tragedy.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Life<\/p>\n<p>You were nothing before you existed. Why would you believe that something goes on when you cease to exist?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It\u2019s all that you have<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s all that you say I have.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat\u2019s the difference\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe difference is everything.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>April 8, 2012\u202f <br \/>Tears<\/p>\n<p>It is what it is. And you are what you are. Stop crying.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>437 am<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are you doing calling someone at 437 am? So rude.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not arguing that with you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere\u2019s no argument.\u201d <br \/>\u201cArguments can be made.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Tomorrow<\/p>\n<p>Tomorrow is my birthday. And there will be no celebration. Who have you become? What happened? Where are you? Why?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>So you know<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wanted to let you know that I cared.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd why does that matter now?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI still care.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLiar.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI still love you very much.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAsshole.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPerhaps.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>How we are<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you okay?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat makes you ask that?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t seem okay.\u201d <br \/>\u201cReally? Is it that obvious?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Girls<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re asking me to turn over my little girl?\u201d <br \/>\u201cShe\u2019s wanted.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI will die first.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>April 11, 2012\u202f <br \/>Honesty<\/p>\n<p>Everybody believes that only the truth matters. But nothing could be more honestly wrong.<\/p>\n<p>April 12, 2012\u202f <br \/>Hmm<\/p>\n<p>There comes a time in your life, when your life goes away. And your faith seems to go away. And you feel like you\u2019re alone. And the irony is that it needs someone like you to save you.<\/p>\n<p>April 13, 2012\u202f <br \/>Ah<\/p>\n<p>Each time I think I can\u2019t feel any pain, somehow you manage to break my heart again.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Looks<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re hot. You\u2019re incredibly too young for me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPlus, I just broke up two days ago.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI just got divorced four years ago.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCool, then.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCool, can I get your number?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ll text you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSweet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s exactly how it happened.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Lost<\/p>\n<p>So what do you when you lose your way? Everyone says, \u201cbuck up, it\u2019s not that hard.\u201d For some of us anyway? It is that hard. It\u2019s a struggle I\u2019ve been fighting my whole life. You show me the path and I\u2019ll follow it; this existence is miserable.<\/p>\n<p>Nobody owes me anything I\u2019ve been blessed. But the ennui and the pain are like insomnia. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just go to sleep?\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I think of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m convinced now it\u2019s a pathology, unfortunately put upon creative types, or those who believe themselves so.<\/p>\n<p>We gotta be Van Gogh, right. Doing something of consequence requires suffering, right. Why then are all my heroes dead by 40?<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m trying. I can\u2019t believe I made it to 42. When I turned 28, I said, \u201cYou made it. You beat the odds.\u201d But what are the odds? This don\u2019t feel much like winning.<\/p>\n<p>April 14, 2012\u202f <br \/>Win<\/p>\n<p>How you win the game? Just don\u2019t care anymore.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What is<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you want to do it today? Because then it has to happen tomorrow.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing has to happen.\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything happens all the time. Sometimes you just feel it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Run<\/p>\n<p>You can run from the minute you\u2019re born. And you know what? You stay where you are. You go nowhere.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Asking<\/p>\n<p>I ask her what she wants. <br \/>\u201cDo I want to kill? Do I want to be slow? Am I allowed to be sad?\u201d <br \/>\u201cGive yourself two seconds to process things.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen what? <br \/>\u201cThen, of course, you fall in love with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Claws<\/p>\n<p>I made a wrong turn a few times. Did things I don\u2019t want to explain. I somehow scratched and clawed my way out. And I\u2019m still here. Maybe you can make it too. Welcome to my silly life.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Legs<\/p>\n<p>Put your hands in, little boy. Put one leg on the other. It feels better. Everything will be over soon.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Brain<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour brain. It doesn\u2019t seem a safe place to be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do you know? Where are you ever safe?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re a genius, your work is breathtaking but your mind is not a safe place.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>April 15, 2012\u202f <br \/>Scared<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes you die only a little at a time. Sometimes it\u2019s piece by piece. It always happens. Work on? Fearing it the least?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Rain<\/p>\n<p>If I could run away. If I could fight? I still might run away. Where is the rain? Where is the relief? Where is there no pain. Point me the way. Show me. Stick out your finger and point the way. Then cover me. I won\u2019t believe you when you say it\u2019s okay, but cover me. Let me just watch the rain.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Broken<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve always got a dime, and there\u2019s something on my feet. I\u2019ve got these spoiled, rich kid\u2019s troubles. I mean, we weren\u2019t rich, but no one was begging for soup. I\u2019ve managed, in not too long a time, to mess it up.<\/p>\n<p>Was I trying? Clearly I wasn\u2019t trying to break everything. Things just ended busted up.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Crazy<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re crazy.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you think I mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou are headed for disaster.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWouldn\u2019t that be beautiful.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you joking?\u201d <br \/>\u201cA beautiful disaster.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI can\u2019t do this.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m the one that\u2019s going to implode.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI won\u2019t watch it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hearing<\/p>\n<p>The voices that vanish, finally, in my head. How can they hurt me now?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Destruction<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNormal\u201d people don\u2019t understand. The urge to create is also the urge to destroy. Flip side of the coin. So when you\u2019re like this, it can be dangerous, because one impulse will sooner or later give to the other.<\/p>\n<p>It is a blessing and a curse. Genius is rare. But fuck me, it ain\u2019t easy.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Women<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou? You will never understand a woman.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s already been shown. Clearly, I think.\u201d <br \/>\u201cJust wanted to remind you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThanks for the refresher.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>April 16, 2012\u202f <br \/>Advice<\/p>\n<p>Take my advice. And get rid of everything on the inside. It chains you. It brings you down. Most of it is no good. Trust me. Throw it away. It may not make your life better, but it will put the ones that love you at slightly more ease.<\/p>\n<p>See? Suicides understand. We are just compelled by something bigger.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Dichotomy<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou do something shitty or you do something great. It\u2019s exhausting.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut at my best, I\u2019m pretty good.\u201d <br \/>\u201cJust be 70% and relax.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTell a dog not to bark. It\u2019s a part of me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen I can\u2019t be a part of you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI think I understand that, and it sucks.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes, it sucks.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI will always love you. Perhaps your memory.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Baseball<\/p>\n<p>These pusillanimous over-priced new-era pitchers.<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t get me wrong, baseball is still my favorite sport. My son is named Maddux after Greg.<\/p>\n<p>But, shit. Christy Mathewson threw 320 innings a year then went to World War Two, killed like a million Nazis, then came back and threw 340. Today? If a guy throws 200 innings he gets some elbow disease. Mathewson and Maddux are the two greatest right-handers of all time. Where are our heroes?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Dinosaurs<\/p>\n<p>Dinosaurs. Why are they important? Because if they don\u2019t die, you\u2019re not reading this. This is a metaphor. Sometimes catastrophic destruction is necessary. I don\u2019t like war, I hate the idea of killing. But are you going to let Hitler stick around?<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m the most liberal person you\u2019ve ever met. I\u2019m a stereotype. Death penalty, gun control, defendant\u2019s rights? You can guess what I believe.<\/p>\n<p>Harder matters to wrap your head around? Iraq. We went there on a lie. And though I don\u2019t believe in his execution, wasn\u2019t it better for the world to remove Saddam.<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps I\u2019m a hypocrite. We kill so many more people than he did. 250,00 in both Iraq wars. Innocent lives. And we are the standard bearer?<\/p>\n<p>We have to choose. You and me, we have to choose. And then we have to talk. First to the people that love us. Then that we know sort of well. But everyone needs to hear.<\/p>\n<p>Death is final. And we as a nation are putting it on too many people. It should be put on no one. Yet, we, this supposedly advanced civilization have killed more people than anyone else. Our annual \u201cdefense\u201d budget doubles the rest of the world combined. No one has ever invaded this country. The term defense is almost laughable.<\/p>\n<p>Russia has enough nuclear weapons to destroy the Earth 15 times. We? Can do it 4000. Take some of that money and give it to the hungry man on the street, the kid that needs a liver, a mom that needs a new heart.<\/p>\n<p>This is doable. We have to speak out.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Love<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love you so much. But you are intense, manic, irrational and crazy.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut brilliant.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes. You are brilliant. But at what cost?\u201d <br \/>\u201cLoneliness.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo tone it down so someone can handle you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI forgot where the knob is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hot food<\/p>\n<p>I like spicy food; really hot. But one time, five years ago, I was dared to eat a haba\u00f1ero. Drunk and full of moxie? I said, \u201cGive me two.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>To the delight of the darers, all I did for hours was salivate, spontaneously. My mouth kept filling and I had to keep spitting. The only thing that stopped me from throwing was the fear of the pain again. Oh, and a million beers. Moral? You can be hard, but you need not be insane.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Nuts<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid it for you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do yo mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou did it all in two hours?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI mean tell me if you want me to change anything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou know you\u2019re crazy? Normal people don\u2019t do that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat stay up 48 hours? It\u2019s a lot easier than it seems.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot for normal people.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat is normal? I see C-students and mediocrity. I didn\u2019t be born to be normal. I was put here to be great. And damn anything that tries to stop me. My conclusion can be greatness or oblivity.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>April 17, 2012\u202f <br \/>Complicity<\/p>\n<p>I loved you. I really did love you.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe there were too man drugs or whatever, but it doesn\u2019t change the fact that I adored you. I worshipped you.<\/p>\n<p>Then you betrayed me.<\/p>\n<p>You were totally complicit in the acts of our demise. I wasn\u2019t perfect. But I am the one that paid the price. You got away scot free.<\/p>\n<p>And I still don\u2019t hate you. I loved you too much.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Winning?<\/p>\n<p>One military strategy, we seem to use especially, is smash hard, hit first, and do it by surprise. Or there is more to come, baby. And in a way, though I don\u2019t like it, it seems to work. Even in personal relationships.<\/p>\n<p>April 18, 2012\u202f <br \/>Mi coraz\u00f3n<\/p>\n<p>If you don\u2019t know how to fix it, can you please try to stop breaking it?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Talk<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe have to talk.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOh, fuck.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat, baby?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBecause every time we have to talk it\u2019s about shit that I have to do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell, what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere\u2019s some shit you have to do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSee? Fuck me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAfter you finish this shit we have to talk about.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not funny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt wasn\u2019t a joke.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>April 19, 2012\u202f <br \/>Sad<\/p>\n<p>You say you come into this life? And see, and feel sad by what you see. You? Can\u2019t see anything anymore. You\u2019re not allowed to see. You were let in to the passion and then pissed it away. You get no more access. You made me feel crazy for just being different. I never wanted to be the same.<\/p>\n<p>April 20, 2012\u202f <br \/>Phone<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI called and texted like three times. You didn\u2019t pick up your phone.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt was on vibrate.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s always on vibrate. But you don\u2019t miss your girlfriend\u2019s calls. Do you have vibrate sensitivity?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat\u2019s so important?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re missing the point.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhich is?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know, just answer the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Attention<\/p>\n<p>Am I drawing your attention, or am I seeking it to feel alive? What do I need to go back to the middle. Super high seems a little damaging. I say, \u201cI\u2019m not here for mediocrity. I\u2019m here to be. Great.\u201d That causes wonder and resentment. Furtive grasps at the divine. But, I\u2019m going to keep grabbing, pulling, pushing, shoving, because I want that greatness.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Look again<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t you see? Don\u2019t you see? Everything is rigged. It\u2019s all in place. It always has been and always will. People always say, \u201cWhat about Bill Gates?\u201d His dad was a millionaire lawyer. He started life on third base. Ok, he made it home. But it\u2019s not like the guy was bunting with two outs.<\/p>\n<p>April 21, 2012\u202f <br \/>Howl<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s the call of the wolf. On nights when the moon is close, and I can\u2019t resist its pull. That\u2019s what \u201cnormal\u201d people don\u2019t understand. They don\u2019t feel that crazy that washes over some of us like bath water.<\/p>\n<p>It insinuates and fills every crevice, just like water. And then the impulses strike. And they sound like such good ideas in your mind. And then you blurt out something that makes so much sense when you\u2019re thinking it.<\/p>\n<p>Insanity can often appear lucid, and that is why it\u2019s so hard to understand for people without mental illness.<\/p>\n<p>How would you react to hearing a voice when you were alone? Or a song that\u2019s not playing? Or shadows that look like demons when you turn off the lights? Some parts of this shit are disconcerting at best, and frightening at worst.<\/p>\n<p>I haven\u2019t turned off my lights in six months. I haven\u2019t slept well in 30 years. I am wholeheartedly aware that this is not not normal. I am not choosing this. Somehow, it has chosen me, and those of us that are chosen have no promised land. And can\u2019t see a welcome party at the light at the end of the tunnel. Most days I don\u2019t even see a light.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>5 long years<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s been five long years since I sold my soul to the devil and gave up on my dreams I had as a child. All for a pretty wife, a too-big house in the suburbs, two cars in the garage, and an office.<\/p>\n<p>I never wanted any of that. Maybe the pretty wife. But that damned path of least resistance, doesn\u2019t resist. The only direction it goes is down, even though you feel like you\u2019re moving from side to side. And I signed that contract with the devil and it turns out he doesn\u2019t wait until you\u2019re dead before putting you in Hell. And the irony is, you actually put yourself in Hell, because when you get everything you thought you wanted, and it\u2019s not what you want? All you do is self-destruct.<\/p>\n<p>Devil doesn\u2019t lift a finger while you lift the bottle or turn mean and irrational because you\u2019re so mad at yourself about your choices. While you push everyone that loves you slowly away, and spiral down? It\u2019s your foot on the pedal. He doesn\u2019t need to lift a damned finger.<\/p>\n<p>So where, then, is salvation? If there is a God, he truly only helps those that seem to help themselves. There\u2019s no elevator out of Hell. You\u2019ve got to crawl and scratch, and more than half the time you lose your grip, and fall back down into the pit.<\/p>\n<p>April 22, 2012\u202f <br \/>Misery<\/p>\n<p>Being sad or cynical is considered treason. They\u2019ll even try to medicate you for it, if they notice. Look at the world around you. Yes, there is beauty, but there is also plenty of reason for sadness, anger, and cynicism. I want to feel. I want to feel alive, not some half-version of myself. Sometimes sad, angry, and cynical is the correct response to a situation.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s the difference between prescription dopamine and serotonin manipulators or marijuana and cocaine? They\u2019re all chronic. I guess one\u2019s a little worse for your cardiovascular system. But it certainly does change your mood slightly better. At least with that you get euphoria. The others are kind of bland.<\/p>\n<p>Why does sad and cynical even need to be cured? The cynic in me says, \u201cBecause there\u2019s money in it.\u201d Do you think Big Pharma cares about you? They care about you as much as McDonalds; they care about the money. Individuals from these places surely have integrity and are working hard to save lives, but, in essence, they work for a steamroller. At least rappers are explicit and honest about what they want money, grass, or ass. Big Pharma says, \u201cWe\u2019re here for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Google all the things they\u2019ve done that were at best disingenuous and at worst deadly. Think of all the money put into erectile dysfunction, when people are dying of so many other things, that perhaps, with the same effort, might have a breakthrough. It\u2019s because sex is more lucrative. That seems pretty obvious. I don\u2019t know why it\u2019s even necessary to say.<\/p>\n<p>Corporations have the rights of people, but none of the accountability. Who do you send to jail when something goes awry?<\/p>\n<p>Follow the money. That\u2019s the way to today\u2019s truth in America.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Gargoyle<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know what you are? You\u2019re a gargoyle. You\u2019ve been around since the dawn of time and are very hard to get rid of.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m your girlfriend.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot any more.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re breaking up with me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. I broke up with you about two months ago, I just never told you. God, that feels good. I feel like I just broke out of Shawshank.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not nice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou haven\u2019t been nice in two years.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you too. But we\u2019re done.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Evil<\/p>\n<p>Why does there seem to be so much evil? Because it\u2019s easier to get people to act by appealing to the worst parts of themselves, instead of their best. We bring out our best at sometimes crucial moments. But, life is mostly wasting time. And megalomaniacal people, both good and bad, have figured out how to manipulate that feeling of existential meaningless by giving people a meaning. Good or bad. We\u2019re not so different from sheep; this is why advertising is so effective. The best, and the worst, rise above and below respectively.<\/p>\n<p>April 23, 2012\u202f <br \/>Please<\/p>\n<p>Readers, I\u2019ve said this a couple of times in previous posts explaining that this blog is a work of fiction. Most of these things did not\u202factually\u202fhappen. This is not an autobiography, but rather a laboratory where I try to work out ideas for the book I\u2019m writing. I try to torture my anti-hero character and since my narrative style is, I think, conversational, it seems, perhaps, like I\u2019m recounting things. I\u2019m not. A lot of it is dark, but with a title likeConsolations of the Worst-Case Scenario, what do you think you\u2019re going to get?<\/p>\n<p>Now, the political stuff, in fact all of the opinion stuff, is real. But those are few and far between. When it\u2019s about politics or religion? Then that\u2019s me. The rest of it is me trying to put myself in the mindset of a terribly troubled person. Of course, I\u2019m drawing on experience. These rambles, however, represent my experiences to the nth power, imagined or stylized if I feel it\u2019s too near to real occurence.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you for reading and for all the wonderful comments, mostly positive, but even the negative ones are appreciated, because someone has taken the time to articulate their dislike for what I\u2019ve written. I think a strong negative reaction is, in a way, an indication that the words succeeded. It provoked someone to act, even if they\u2019re nasty about it.<\/p>\n<p>Anyways, I\u2019m rambling. Remember. Please. Fiction.<\/p>\n<p>April 28, 2012\u202f <br \/>I know what\u2019s going to happen next<\/p>\n<p>And in the knowing there is a sort of homecoming. Calm. Perhaps, not peace. You were there. I was there. That\u2019s it. You are more credible in this context, you\u2019re quieter, so I guess your version precludes mine. But I was there. I was there.<\/p>\n<p>I know what really happened. And to make the sufferings less? I\u2019m no longer willing to modify the truth. I was there.<\/p>\n<p>You can lie until you draw your last breath. There\u2019s something about you that I know will always be troubled by this. I saw it in you the last two times I saw you. That cognitive dissonance between the words spilling out of your mouth and what really happened. You can\u2019t seem to look in my eyes. And I know it\u2019s not because you\u2019re afraid. What is there to be afraid of, except yourself?<\/p>\n<p>Keep pushing. Keep doing the same things you\u2019re doing. You don\u2019t sound so happy. You don\u2019t look happy. It all comes back around. Happiness and lies are apparently incompatible. I don\u2019t have to hurt you to get even. You hurt yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Everything is good for you, except when it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n<p>April 29, 2012\u202f <br \/>Oh, god<\/p>\n<p>Where have you been? I\u2019ve been waiting here. Did I miss my bus? Did I miss us? Do you only come to those with no questions? Because I have a bunch.<\/p>\n<p>Why her? Why him? Good and bad. Everything seems so arbitrary. And we\u2019re supposed to put everything in what most likely may be nothing?<\/p>\n<p>Believe as hard as you want you want. Try harder. Believe more. Still, you know as much as me which is nothing. You have to die to know, and I\u2019m hedging my bets and keeping what I know as long as I can.<\/p>\n<p>It can all end tomorrow. It was nothing for eternity, whatever that is, before this. And it shall return. All I know is now. And I will scramble, clutch, crawl, and scrape for what I know.<\/p>\n<p>Sorry if I don\u2019t have what you call faith. I think it\u2019s a mechanism to mask your fear of what we\u2019re all afraid of eternity. It always existed before you, and I guarantee you no matter what happens here? It ain\u2019t going nowhere.<\/p>\n<p>May 1, 2012\u202f <br \/>Shit happens sometimes<\/p>\n<p>Things rarely happen in the ether. Normally, things require situations. And though some of us might lead lives that beg them to occur, sometimes what happens is the product of a situation, and not begging. Situations. Not necessarily ones that one would choose, but that were still compelling enough to choose to live by. Especially if life was the predominate choice. It all depends upon your situation. And there are lots of situations.<\/p>\n<p>May 2, 2012\u202f <br \/>Using words as ammunition<\/p>\n<p>Were that I was not an expert in this area. Words have always come easily, in most circumstances. Unfortunately, anger is a circumstance. And collateral damage has rarely been an insight in moments of rage. But look at the damage I\u2019ve done. Don\u2019t think I can\u2019t see it or feel its effects. They are as real to me as they are to anyone else. I just get to take the blame as well.<\/p>\n<p>May 5, 2012\u202f <br \/>Your crystal ball ain\u2019t so crystal clear<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t ever say you\u2019re just you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m just me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. You\u2019re more than you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t feel more than me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYour feelings are a lie.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>May 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>There\u2019s thunder in the air<\/p>\n<p>I can hear it reverberating. There\u2019s a boom. It passes. It always passes. Sometimes the bad things have to go away. It quiets. It darkens. The tears stop falling. And then it falls back to normal. Whatever that is.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Here\u2019s a little something<\/p>\n<p>Your hands don\u2019t shake. Your mind don\u2019t ache. Still, you\u2019re dying. Every breath you take is one less. Top of the world? King of all pimps? It always ends. There is no escape.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Everyone<\/p>\n<p>They call her, \u201cMerry.\u201d <br \/>I\u2019ve nothing but called her, \u201cMeredith.\u201d Three syllables. <br \/>I loved that girl. <br \/>\u201cI like that you call me Meredith.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou will be in my mind forever.\u201d <br \/>\u201cForever is a long time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou, Meredith, are forever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>May 7, 2012\u202f <br \/>Shower<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMommy\u2019s in the shower.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell, let her know I want to talk to her.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShe knows.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou always want to talk to her.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTell her when she\u2019s done.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI will, Kalan.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you, too you know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Limits<\/p>\n<p>There are no limits to what some men will do. Look at the ground. Look at your hands. There is evil everywhere. Feel the feeling. Know the knowing. Come inside. Come.<\/p>\n<p>May 8, 2012\u202f <br \/>Path<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a walk back, and there\u2019s a way back. Sometimes you have to find it. I want to say, \u201cFuck you,\u201d so badly. I think I will retreat. Let the fuck you\u2019s slide. Be someone my daughter can be proud of, for once.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It reads hard<\/p>\n<p>But I didn\u2019t mean exactly what I said. I never hated you; I sort of hated myself. I loved you. More than I should have. And now we see the consequence. Of pain. You hurt me. Goodbye.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Her<\/p>\n<p>Why does it always have to be this way? Maybe for once I hate you instead of adore you? It\u2019s a trap. This thing we call love. We could call it anything. It\u2019s that hand on the knee, the kiss. We are chimpanzees. We require touch like monkeys. How do we be more than ourselves?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Do you love her?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course I love her.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIs that why you guys sleep in the same bed?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere are other reasons.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you love her?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlways have and always will.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShe could do worse than you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Miracles<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a miracle when I can say I love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t believe in miracles.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>There\u2019s a smile in the sea of sadness<\/p>\n<p>She put the ice to my face and then it melted away. I woke up and my hands were gone. <br \/>\u201cAre you okay?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m still breathing, right? I still know how to use a comma. Sometimes people take a part of you with them. My eyes are burning, and I think my nose is bleeding. Where are you? Where are you? Gone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>May 9, 2012\u202f <br \/>How will you meet your end?<\/p>\n<p>Can you stay as strong as you seem. There\u2019s Hell upon the breeze. Can you make it through the heat? He had to die. Now how do we live? <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re so dramatic.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ve been this way since the day you\u2019ve known me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt makes you a good fuck.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s why you\u2019re here?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. I sorta love you now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSorta?\u201d <br \/>\u201cSorta.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You do a lot more damage then you think you do<\/p>\n<p>Punch the wall. Break your hand. It doesn\u2019t matter. The bones and the muscle don\u2019t matter. They\u2019re just things to think about when they hurt. You can\u2019t make hurt go away. I promise you nothing less than hurt. Embrace the pain. It is you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I look at the moon and I think of you<\/p>\n<p>So bright, and so close. It feels like if I could reach you I could touch her. She is in more ways than one, a metaphor for you. Mahina. You seem so close, but I can\u2019t reach you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Beauty<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI look beautiful in your pictures.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou are beautiful.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLies told when we\u2019re almost asleep. Tattoos. That doesn\u2019t mean love.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat does?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know. Show me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI thought I did already.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShow me again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Darkness cost and dollars lost<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t mean that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy do you say that?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou say it to every pretty girl that crosses your path.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat makes you think you\u2019re pretty?\u201d <br \/>\u201cC\u2019mon.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBaby, I know I rock your world.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo why do you fight me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cFor the same reason you ask, \u2018Why?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I drank your language<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re hurt. Your heart. I felt you. I always felt the way you moved.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I don\u2019t know about living<\/p>\n<p>But I kinda know something about dying. I\u2019ve been on the ledge. Do you want to walk with me? It\u2019s not that hard. It gets easier with every step. Do you love me? Show me.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Lies<\/p>\n<p>Prayers are success failed. Keep asking. Keep wanting. Nothing ever comes true.<\/p>\n<p>May 10, 2012\u202f <br \/>One day we\u2019ll be strangers in our own land<\/p>\n<p>Shush. Be quiet. There\u2019s a knock at our door. Be safe. How can you be safe? It\u2019s raining. Go to the back room. Your nose is bleeding. Maybe you should let them take you. Maybe they can help. I don\u2019t want to see you like this.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>A better person<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s a better person than I could ever be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s true.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShe\u2019s my daughter.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOkay, so you have to think the best about her. That doesn\u2019t mean you have to think less about yourself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t think I ever loved myself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you too, K.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Loudness<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s thundering again. Small changes in things. The big boom. Normally I like things smaller. I don\u2019t like to shout and I don\u2019t like being shouted at. I\u2019m not one for loud noises. Too many of them when I was a kid. We all blame our past. It can\u2019t do anything but be what it is.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Funny<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHa.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s not funny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe situation is abnormal.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat doesn\u2019t make it funny. It makes it what it is.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you always this serious?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI am what I am.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re sort of fucked up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLook at yourself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFair enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Change<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re too much. You\u2019re too intense.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI thought that was a good thing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re like a five-year old. You don\u2019t change. You\u2019re not going to change.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy should I?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou had responsibility once.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou threw it away. You spit on it, you stomped on it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI never didn\u2019t love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat good did that do you? You\u2019re my best friend. I don\u2019t want to feel like I can\u2019t tell you anything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTell me you love me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot the way you want. I can\u2019t do it right now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhen?\u201d <br \/>\u201cPerhaps never.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou don\u2019t love him. Break up with him.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do I know I love you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ve all you ever known of love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>A ghost of elegies<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know about god, I just want to see her face. Please, lay your hands on me. Wake me up. I\u2019m tired of sleeping. I need to rise.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>To believe in you? I have to close my eyes<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBaby, I was born just to kiss your mouth.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou say that now, but where will you be in five years.\u201d <br \/>\u201cUp your ass.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPromise?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI like it there.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFreak.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Cold cut<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m freezing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s cold outside.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI miss the warmth of you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou miss a lot of things.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI guess that\u2019s true.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOf course it is, silly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It\u2019s over<\/p>\n<p>I mean, you love me. I don\u2019t want to hurt the gut. Somebody had to be hurt? Right? Look in my eyes. It doesn\u2019t make the pain go away. But it makes you know I love you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Don\u2019t<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t call her back. Don\u2019t call her back. Don\u2019t call her back. Especially if you think you want to.<\/p>\n<p>May 11, 2012\u202f <br \/>Hello<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou always call me to say hello.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell, then say, \u201cHello.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHello.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re such a fucking dork.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s why you take my calls.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You\u2019re always<\/p>\n<p>Waiting for something. Waiting for what. Go waiting. Waiting for a, \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>For<\/p>\n<p>For all the world. For any world. You were the best of the world. I wasn\u2019t the very best. But you were. You somehow needed to be. But you were.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What works<\/p>\n<p>Crack your fingers. Punch your face. It still works. It still hurts. That\u2019s why you\u2019re doing this, right? You just want to hurt better.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The cold of December\u2019s face<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t want to see it. It\u2019s a bit colder than you want to feel.<\/p>\n<p>May 12, 2012\u202f <br \/>Let\u2019s go<\/p>\n<p>More, more. Do more damage, feel more hate. Feel it more. Want it more. Pull the trigger at me. Pull it. Coward.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You\u2019ve got like 15 seconds with her<\/p>\n<p>When the phone rings? Answer. <br \/>When she wants to say,\u201dHi.\u201d Say, \u201cHi.\u201d <br \/>With a woman like that? You don\u201dt get that many chances.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Merry Death<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve always killed me. Now who am I? A stranger? Someone that comes to you? He\u2019s fiction.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>How<\/p>\n<p>How are you? How do you live? I live naked and alone. The damage done. Sometimes there finds a way to come back. I hope you\u2019re not around for that. You deserve more than you\u2019ve had.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Laws<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s against the law\u201d <br \/>\u201cThey\u2019re are several laws.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSome of them are right.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWho chooses?\u201d <br \/>\u201cRight now? I do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>May 13, 2012\u202f <br \/>I don\u2019t whant this<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTell me what you want.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI need you to die.\u201d <br \/>\u2018I\u2019m not ready to say, \u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you want to say?\u201d <br \/>\u201cOkay.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen, okay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Less<\/p>\n<p>Less is more, more is less. It\u2019s actually the secret to being happy. Nobody really gets it.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Don\u2019t<\/p>\n<p>These things about life. They were real people. These things happened. These thoughts were thought. You just decided to to come around and think them. Think your own.<\/p>\n<p>May 14, 2012\u202f <br \/>I don\u2019t think the landing<\/p>\n<p>I kinda wanted to give you a good show. Sorry for the results.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I<\/p>\n<p>I think I skip. I\u2019m tired of the mistakes we made. Say sorry.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It\u2019s almost your berfday<\/p>\n<p>How do you let me say, \u201cHi?\u201d I just want to be friends.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I can think<\/p>\n<p>And you can think. But you can\u2019t share my thoughts. I can feel. And you can feel. But you can\u2019t feel what I\u2019m feeling. It\u2019s an impossible question. How do we be whole?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You loved me?<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m not quite sure I think I loved, who is it, you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>There is a little bit of blood<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t think a sorry is necessary. I don\u2019t think it might be enough.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It\u2019s crazy<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s like it always is. Things go wrong and then they go wronger. How do you know what\u2019s right? How do you know who you are?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Blood<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s coming out of your nose. It\u2019s spilling on your pants. What\u2019s wrong?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not sure\u201d <br \/>\u201cGet sure.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>My hands<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have burns on them where the restraints were. Are you embarrassed? Are you ashamed?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m exactly as you\u2019ve made me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Dates<\/p>\n<p>I know the date. I know the date. It will never go out of my brain. I still know your number. I just know not to use it. You fucked me. I sort of didn\u2019t get to fuck you back.<\/p>\n<p>May 15, 2012\u202f <br \/>Wanting<\/p>\n<p>You want what you want and you like when you get it. But it\u2019s just like everything else. It means nothing.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Who can you bullshit?<\/p>\n<p>Eventually it all ends. Eventually it all falls. We are nothing at the end. We are nothing at the end. Life expects only death. Life is a failure and only exists for itself. We are a parasite on the resources of this planet. There is no meaning.We all fall.<\/p>\n<p>May 16, 2012\u202f <br \/>I bled on myself<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow does that happen?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know, it just happened.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere\u2019s blood on your nose.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ll wipe it off.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re sniffing blood.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBack off.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It was no distress<\/p>\n<p>I watched her her under arrest. It made my night, but not in a good way.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>They all thought you were faking<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell it\u2019s been five years.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes. And it\u2019s killing you in slow motion. Women, the drinking.\u201d <br \/>\u201cUsually it happens the other way around. <br \/>\u201cDon\u2019t you want to be happy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t remember ever being happy except in short bursts. Why is the goal to be happy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat would you prefer it to be?\u201d <br \/>\u201cTo feel.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>May 17, 2012\u202f <br \/>I\u2019ve lost love, but I found it again<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s been a while now. I think the best of me left awhile ago. Maybe the best is over? \u2018Cause I haven\u2019t felt it in a long time.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Self-centered<\/p>\n<p>So gifted. So flawed. Sometimes flaws are the price of gifts. There is collateral damage, though. People that don\u2019t understand the flaws or won\u2019t abide by their features. Especially when they\u2019re people you love. They go away. But flaws? They seem to not be going anywhere.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What if?<\/p>\n<p>You ask somebody, \u201cDo you love me?\u201d <br \/>And they say, \u201cI guess so.\u201d <br \/>Not really positive reinforcement.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Gummy bears<\/p>\n<p>All I\u2019ve been living on is li hing gummy bears, perhaps some blood, and pain. When the cops finally show up, I want to request that they take me to a hospital rather than jail.<\/p>\n<p>May 18, 2012\u202f <br \/>That<\/p>\n<p>The lying, disaterous cunt that burned my life down. You could\u2019t speak what you spoke. You\u2019re anger? At what? I never had a part of? I didn\u2019t do what he did when you were 13. And you killed me, and not just in small ways. I hate you, but in a way hate is love. Never again. And I know you suffer. That\u2019s enough. You deserve better. But then, again, so did I.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Life<\/p>\n<p>Nothing else animal that exists seems to care about the end of it\u2019s existence. Except in the moment, I guess. We\u2019re the only ones that care about it. You get to be dead a whole lot longer than you lived. How do you deal with that?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Liver<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not sure where my liver is. But I think it hurts. I hope that\u2019s not superbad.<\/p>\n<p>May 21, 2012\u202f <br \/>Fear<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t be scared. Your fear brings nothing to the situation. Except your fear. What wants to hurt you won\u2019t stop because you\u2019re afraid. Take a breath, and proceed.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>That was at Beauty Bar<\/p>\n<p>That picture of me with her. We used the same photo booth that you used with your sister. You were sad when you were with me. You appear sadder now.<\/p>\n<p>May 22, 2012\u202f <br \/>Pull<\/p>\n<p>The pull for the intensity of feeling necessary to create motivates predilections that most people are able to avoid. I don\u2019t expect you or anyone else not enjoying\/suffering the same condition to understand. You see brilliance and you see madness. And you can\u2019t wrap your mind around the fact that those are two schoolgirls holding hands.<\/p>\n<p>May 23, 2012\u202f <br \/>Look<\/p>\n<p>I killed everything. I didn\u2019t mean to. I wasn\u2019t even trying to kill myself. But watch the funeral parade. See the black flags flying. Each one indicative of something I destroyed. Each relationship. Each chance. Each choice. A loss of grip on humanity and a slow slide down the rope into despair. Look left. Look right. There is no one else to blame.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Perhaps nihilistic<\/p>\n<p>Nobody knows the trouble you feel. There\u2019s trouble everywhere, and it\u2019s not that I don\u2019t care. Nobody cares that the feelings really feel. Come home. Why drunk every night? Chicken? Egg? What causes what? Funny how the web tangles and catches what you think you are. What is free? And where do you go from there? Back to the suburbs? Back to being a part of everyone? Doing laundry and going to Wal-Mart? I can\u2019t do it. It\u2019s like asking me to settle with a cute little family on Mars. I can\u2019t breathe there. I speak the same language as most of the people around me. But I can\u2019t understand. Why are you doing what you do? Everything is so transitory. Why does what you put in your mouthhole, eyehole and earhole so motivating? The only thing that means anything, for its fleeting existence, is human touch. You\u2019re wasting your time on almost anything else.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Reasons<\/p>\n<p>There ain\u2019t no point in changing places unless you have somewhere to go. But the path that I had taken had filled our pockets, and emptied out my soul.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Today is Wednesday<\/p>\n<p>Wednesday. Odin\u2019s day if you\u2019re Norse. It\u2019s why we spell it funny. A week without it. Speak about how strong you are. Thor\u2019s day. Friggs\u2019s day. Saturn\u2019s day. Sun\u2019s day. Come see how brave you are on Moon\u2019s day.<\/p>\n<p>May 24, 2012\u202f <br \/>Dichotomy<\/p>\n<p>You rip me up. You tear me up. And then you make me feel like I\u2019m whole. Almost the dictionary definition of dichotomy. Pretty soon you are going to have to make a choice. Two sides. And I assure you? That one side will make it for itself.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Fate<\/p>\n<p>Some of us are born to suffer. What I feel right now is gratitude. The universe finally let me know. Will she end my suffering? No. It is, if it\u2019s even possible, in my hands. Ease the suffering.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>It was nice but now it\u2019s gone<\/p>\n<p>Emptiness. Silence. Do whatever you are going to do. I\u2019m not hanging on. I\u2019ve gotten too old for this shit. I will not play second fiddle to any situation. You go be what you need to be. I will not be beholden to anyone. Go off. Party. Get drunk every night. You\u2019re going to end up in the same place I was three months ago. Total regret. But go. Find out for yourself. Even the very beautiful people will crash. I promise you.<\/p>\n<p>May 25, 2012\u202f <br \/>I am A positive<\/p>\n<p>And a blood transfusion in situations will prevent a circulatory collapse. Which means your heart fails. Soon after, your brain. This is a metaphor. Love goes and your \u201cheart\u201d does. Clearly, your heart doesn\u2019t feel emotion. But it feels like it feels.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I\u2019m not ready for this<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m scared.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI am too.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere is blood, there is bleach.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd there is you and there is me. This time? I will bring you home. Let go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Do<\/p>\n<p>Do you want her name? Do you want her phone number? It\u2019s not like I\u2019ve forgotten it. I dialed it 10,000 times. What do you want? Her name? Her number? I\u2019ve always had it all.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Release<\/p>\n<p>Can\u2019t you see? There is no release. There is no relief. No one is coming to save you. And even if there was they would be doing it for their own reasons. The only person that can save you now is you.<\/p>\n<p>May 26, 2012\u202f <br \/>What kind of man am I?<\/p>\n<p>A man of faith or a man of reason? Reason seems to hurt a lot more. Yet faith seems capricious. What do I believe in? I believe what I see. But even that is a trick of the brain that relies on a flawed optic nerve and several blind spots in the eye itself. Visual perception is an amalgamation of flawed phenomena. Like smell we are not as good as animals with our senses. We have reason. But reason brings a sense of the future. And this is often not a pleasant realization. So what do I believe in? I believe in you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Live together, die alone<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve been alone for far too long, but I am not about to die alone. I refuse. I rebuke the idea. This hole isn\u2019t that deep. And I will not let it cover me. Those who might toss dirt? Look at your own sins. Not one of us is without flaws. Not one has a mistake they\u2019re not embarrassed of. Not one parent is perfect. Not one child. Not one. I give up beating myself up for the mistakes. They were made and cannot be unmade.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Run<\/p>\n<p>Why are you running? And can\u2019t even say what you\u2019re running from. It\u2019s because you are running from yourself. You\u2019ll never get away. Unfortunately your self is always with you. Not a moment\u2019s respite. Not even one moment.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I can\u2019t do this alone<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t want to. I\u2019m asking you to trust me. It\u2019s not called a leap of faith because it\u2019s easy. It\u2019s hard. It\u2019s so hard. That\u2019s why most people can\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Do it again<\/p>\n<p>Do it again. Do it again. Now do it again. Trust me, you don\u2019t want to do it again.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>This is your life now<\/p>\n<p>It may hurt a little. But get used to it. It\u2019s not going away. Not quickly anyway. Embrace the pain or destroy yourself. Clearly, two shitty choices. I suggest you choose the first.<\/p>\n<p>May 27, 2012\u202f <br \/>Love?<\/p>\n<p>Love and fucking are two different products. Eventually they separate.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You can\u2019t win an argument when your drunk<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re going to look like you\u2019re wrong. Trust me on this one. You can only come out of this being an asshole.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hoy<\/p>\n<p>Tradition and heritage are dead people\u2019s baggage. Why are you carrying it? Live today. Yesterday is gone. And tomorrow may never happen.<\/p>\n<p>May 28, 2012\u202f <br \/>Connect<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t mistake coincidence for fate. You\u2019ll get hurt I promise. Humans have a natural tendency to try to make patterns and make connections. Perhaps we want to be connected. That doesn\u2019t mean they exist.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Laupahoehoe<\/p>\n<p>Laupahoehoe. It\u2019s the kind of lava that flows smoothly. A\u2019a bursts. But like with everything Hawaiian there is kaona. A hidden meaning or a symbolic reference to what is happening. Laupahoehoe flows and pillows for a reason. Find the reason within you. And then flow. Don\u2019t a\u2019a. It\u2019s against the system.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>J<\/p>\n<p>What comes around goes around. I don\u2019t know how but it always does. You will get what you get and it won\u2019t be by my hand. It will be by yours.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Heart<\/p>\n<p>In all of our \u201chearts\u201d there is safety, and terror. No one wants to be alone. Trust me, it sucks. But it happens. And you still need to reach out. Others are more important than they might seem. Others? Are why we are here.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Mad<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t want to speak with you right now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy are you mad at me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not mad at you I just don\u2019t want to talk today.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou kill me. Slowly, but you kill me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou kill yourself.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThanks, Goldilocks. Trust me you have culpability.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Shoot<\/p>\n<p>I ain\u2019t begging for this cursed life. Pull the trigger. Pull. Coward. Now let us both suffer.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Pretty vacant<\/p>\n<p>I heard the words and did not recognize myself. What had I become? I would never hurt you on purpose. When I was a whirling dervish, you were just standing too close. It ends. It all ends. Everything ends. You just have to wait for the moment.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Yin Yang<\/p>\n<p>Yin? You are in Florida. I\u2019ve known you forever but I think I\u2019m letting go. Yang? You are in California. I seem to be stuck in the middle. California? I love you more than anything I\u2019ve loved in my whole life. And I\u2019ve loved. Florida? You were my first true love and I will always hold you in my heart.<\/p>\n<p>May 29, 2012\u202f <br \/>Alone<\/p>\n<p>Loneliness is a form of emptiness. You got fucked over last week. I could not give two shits about that. What is now? Why are you here with me right now? I didn\u2019t drag you here. You came because you wanted to. Why? Figure it out and let me know.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The revolution<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a success. Nirvana is in the Muppets. We made what we wanted for everyone. You might argue it\u2019s been co-opted. But punk is inside now. People that never would have known it have it in their awareness.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I looked it down<\/p>\n<p>The pain came to me and it brought everything. Then I looked it down. There is someone I want so bad I can taste it. And I have to remind myself to stand down. Stand down. I try to say, \u201cWant someone that wants you.\u201d It doesn\u2019t make a difference. We want what we want.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Fear<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t scare me. Do you think I\u201dm afraid of anything? Perhaps death. More specifically, dying.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Nothing<\/p>\n<p>How can anything mean anything when nothing means nothing. Your lies don\u2019t hurt anymore. Your words mean nothing. Please keep them to yourself. Nothing matters. You don\u2019t matter. And miraculously there is no pain. Let go. That is the truth. That is the answer. Hurt comes because you care.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Care<\/p>\n<p>No one really cares about you. You float on this raft called life. You hope that someone rubs against you every once in awhile. Happy if they do. Disappointed if they don\u2019t. But what does it mean? You got rubbed against. That makes you nothing more than a monkey. What does it all mean?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Hard<\/p>\n<p>Trust is a hard thing to win back. It can come slow. But it comes slow.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Rain<\/p>\n<p>The rain falls on us all. Poor, rich, smart, or stupid. There are some things you can\u2019t transgress. You can try. But I promise you ain\u2019t kicking that water back up the hill. It falls. We fall. It\u2019s part of the procedure.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Run<\/p>\n<p>Go. Run. You\u2019re not going to get away. Anything that really wants to get you will come. The irony is that usually it is yourself.<\/p>\n<p>May 30, 2012\u202f <br \/>There\u2019s no time<\/p>\n<p>The money is low. Stay if you want a confrontation. Otherwise go. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. I can\u2019t take care of you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Happy<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t want to be happy. I never did. I just want to change people. Move them with my words. The rest is just rubbish.<\/p>\n<p>May 31, 2012\u202f <br \/>Always keep one in the chamber<\/p>\n<p>You got the fifteen. Thirty-two if you\u2019re packing a Mac -10. But always keep one in the chamber. After the shootout? You might need a shot. (Full disclosure I have never shot a handgun.)<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Skinny<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re getting too skinny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI like being skinny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHoney, come back\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019d be surprised how skinny a person can get. You\u2019ve never been fat. You don\u2019t understand how the world changes when you are skinny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMy love, please come back to us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>She calls me K<\/p>\n<p>I guess she loves me in her way. I loved her since the moment I met her. A month later I saw her and remembered her name. I won\u2019t say it because I said wouldn\u2019t. I love her and always will be in love.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>We sold our soul for rock\u2019n roll<\/p>\n<p>I sold my soul for a lot less.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>You can\u2019t push<\/p>\n<p>You can\u2019t ask me not to push. It\u2019s who I am. Shall I ask you to be who you not are? It is what it is honey. I push. Hoping you\u2019ll pull. But if you don\u2019t, you don\u2019t. Do I love you? Absolutely. But things are different now. I\u2019m done jumping through hoops. I\u2019m done.<\/p>\n<p>June 1, 2012\u202f <br \/>Andromeda<\/p>\n<p>In 4 billion years the Andromeda galaxy (M31) will collide with ours and make a new kind of galaxy. There will be turbulence. The elliptical shape of our galaxy will be gone. No one will be here, of course. But, again this is a metaphor. The violent collision of two lives. It can bring passion. Or it can bring destruction. Right now you have a choice. In 4 billion years you won\u2019t. It\u2019s coming at us at 250,000 mph. Thank goodness for light years.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>I\u2019ve given all I can<\/p>\n<p>But it\u2019s never enough. It is never enough. \u201cFor a minute there I lost myself.\u201d But I found me again and I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s enough.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>How it works<\/p>\n<p>When you love a woman. She feels too secure. Yet she doesn\u2019t trust you. Doesn\u2019t feel the same. Dance around like a fool. It doesn\u2019t matter. Women want what doesn\u2019t want them.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Punk<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re a drunk.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re a punk.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ve been one since I\u2019ve known you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI thought you would grow up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWell, I\u2019m never not going to be punk. I have it tattooed on me for god\u2019s sake.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah I know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you think I would ever take it off? That is me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>June 2, 2012\u202f <br \/>Pili Leka Leka<\/p>\n<p>It literally means gummy or to be sticky. But again with Hawaiian there is kaona. It means to push together. It means to\u202fpush\u202ftogether. Ho\u2019okahi kahi ke aloha. Be one in love.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What\u2019s on your mind for God\u2019s sake<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust spit it out. Spit it out\u201d <br \/>\u201cI sort of think we\u2019re over\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe\u2019ve been over for awhile.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ve been trying to be a nicer person.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGood job.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFuck you too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Notorious HIV<\/p>\n<p>That is my new rap name. It could have been Tupac Shot 14 times, but I think this flows better.<\/p>\n<p>June 3, 2012\u202f <br \/>C<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not going to say your name because of the shit you\u2019re going through and I\u2019m not going to add to it. Just know that I love you. And I\u2019ll be here for anything you need. And if you ask me to do something, I will jump. You are my heart.<\/p>\n<p>June 4, 2012\u202f <br \/>C2<\/p>\n<p>I love that girl with all my heart. And I think she sort of loves me back. So everything gets amplified. Basic statements are made great pronouncements. I haven\u2019t been in love forever. This is new\/old to me.<\/p>\n<p>June 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>The world<\/p>\n<p>It keeps moving in one direction. You can\u2019t turn it around. You\u2019re not going to change. If you\u2019re going to go, you have to go with the flow.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Sometimes<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes you just stand there. You get beat up. You don\u2019t deserve it. But you take it. That is how the world is. And it isn\u2019t fair.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Do you want to see?<\/p>\n<p>How crazy I can be? I don\u2019t believe you do. You probably shouldn\u2019t call me out. Something might happen.<\/p>\n<p>June 7, 2012\u202f <br \/>The ghost of Eli<\/p>\n<p>Returns. And haunts us with his pain. Are we going to be punished? Shall we pay for the sins of Hophni and Phineas? Who pays? Someone always pays. Where is Hannah to sing her beautiful song to God? Who might save us from ourselves?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The thing is<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t know it. Looking back I can see pretty clearly. I can honestly say that I am sorry for my mistakes. And I have paid dearly for them. Probably have to pay a little bit longer. But I am sorry for the hurt I caused, and I promise to try to rectify that.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Sometimes<\/p>\n<p>Sometime things start with a good idea. And then they go to shit. We push and we strive and we have ambition. But life sometimes has a way of curbing that. You have to believe still. And manifest what you believe.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Four years<\/p>\n<p>A lot of things change in four years. More stays the same.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Adjustment<\/p>\n<p>You want to see? It takes awhile to adjust? Take a look at my life.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Why<\/p>\n<p>Why am I alive? I\u2019ve done everything necessary to kill myself. Yet, here I remain. Fuck death. You\u2019re a pussy. I win.<\/p>\n<p>June 14, 2012\u202f <br \/>Gaunt<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou look gaunt.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI didn\u2019t mean to.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t think anyone ever means to.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt just happens.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt just happens. Now get help.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>June 15, 2012\u202f <br \/>Cuticles<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour cuticles are again filled with blood.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s a long story.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI have some time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMy nose bled for some hours.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou know that\u2019s not healthy when you don\u2019t clot?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI kinda have other issues going on.\u201d <br \/>\u201cClearly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Aye<\/p>\n<p>The sound aye means yes in so many languages. Hai in Japanese, oui in French, s\u00ed in Espa\u00f1ol, ae in Hawaiian (not to be confused with ai which means to eat or a\u2019i which means consent to sexual relations, though I prefer the latter) . We all must be connected. There must have been a common language. I\u2019m going to call it Orangatangian.<\/p>\n<p>June 16, 2012\u202f <br \/>Days<\/p>\n<p>These days are long. The nights are longer. Paranoid. Scared of knocks on the door. I haven\u2019t done anything wrong. But I\u2019m still afraid. In two weeks I\u2019ll be on a plane or on the streets.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Eye<\/p>\n<p>You can\u2019t turn around or look away. You\u2019ve got to look this one in the eye.<\/p>\n<p>June 17, 2012\u202f <br \/>Feel<\/p>\n<p>I feel nothing. All feeling is lost. I know I should be afraid. I can look in the mirror in the dark now. Nothing. I feel nothing. I have no fear, because I don\u2019t think I care.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Trust<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no trust. Something will go wrong. Someone will get hurt. This is going to end badly.<\/p>\n<p>June 18, 2012\u202f <br \/>Proof<\/p>\n<p>That Hell really does freeze over. Or maybe burn up. I seem to be in it. I can\u2019t tell if it\u2019s hot or cold.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>48<\/p>\n<p>Potatoes have two more genes than people, 48. The same as gorillas. Tool has a song called 46 and Two about people pushing past their limits and evolving to 48 chromosomes. But I don\u2019t think I want to be a potato or a gorilla. I\u2019ll keep my 46 chromosomes for now.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Trillion<\/p>\n<p>After ten days most cells in your body are replaced. Certain things take a little longer. Your liver and your spine, specifically. But after seven years every single one of your more than a trillion cells are replaced. You are literally a new person. Take advantage of the opportunity.<\/p>\n<p>June 20, 2012\u202f <br \/>Virgin<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWow, your ex-girlfriend is beautiful.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOf course she\u2019s beautiful. I only sleep with beautiful girls.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know how to take that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s not like you\u2019re a virgin. Take it as a compliment.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>June 23, 2012\u202f <br \/>Better<\/p>\n<p>When do you know? What do you do when you think you know what you do? What if you\u2019ve made a lot of mistakes? You remember when you were on top. Remember that life is just a game. Then remember how to play it better.<\/p>\n<p>July 13, 2012\u202f <br \/>Moving forward back<\/p>\n<p>Is this darkness in you too? Did you move through this night? Do you know you\u2019re not coming back from it? What are you to me anymore, except nothing? Have you ever had anyone die in your arms? Look. Life is often cruel.<\/p>\n<p>July 14, 2012\u202f <br \/>Realization<\/p>\n<p>Life goes from bad to worse. I still choose to live.<\/p>\n<p>July 16, 2012\u202f <br \/>And so<\/p>\n<p>Things have a way of coming around. You can put it on another person or a situation, but, generally, the mess falls at your own feet. Salivated bile doesn\u2019t travel far being weighted by thick strands of yellow-green mucus.<\/p>\n<p>I vacillate. Most of me remembers how I loved you. The rest of me, and it\u2019s not an insignificant percentage of my self definition, hopes you die of painful cancer. I don\u2019t enjoy feeling that way. But denying it is useless. Lying to oneself is not the most effective form of self destruction.<\/p>\n<p>It will come around, I am convinced. But I\u2019m also pretty sure that this won\u2019t make things better. It will be different, but the smart money, if there\u2019s any left, is not being wagered on improvement or happy.<\/p>\n<p>You looked as miserable as I felt the last time I saw you. The dictionary definition of a Pyrrhic victory. You lose doesn\u2019t mean I win. I will win. But I don\u2019t need to see you losing. And you are. And you will.<\/p>\n<p>When the decision was hard you contorted unnaturally to squeeze into easy. Short term? Awesome strategy. Now? The days are lonely and the nights are long. And that dizzy feeling just doesn\u2019t seem to go away.<\/p>\n<p>July 21, 2012\u202f <br \/>Ha<\/p>\n<p>The difficulties are what they are. They\u2019re not going to go away just because you\u2019d prefer they might. In many ways, difficulty defines you. Easy goes by fast. Hard shows what you are. Semi-sweet is where the action is. It\u2019s the rind on the melon, not quite what you might want.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s so easy to say, \u201cFuck this,\u201d that we forget our heroes actually say, \u201cFuck you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The Hold Steady almost killed me<\/p>\n<p>You have to be part of the pack to get the joke. And I know this. And I fall out. But some nights? I admit we were gorgeous. TGI Friday\u2019s and Vietnamese food on Thursday. Everything sparkles when it\u2019s holy. And holy comes easy when most nights you cry. When you don\u2019t feel anything, nothing quite hurts. I\u2019m not sure what I miss the longing, the ache, or the long silence. Sometimes it rains.<\/p>\n<p>July 28, 2012\u202f <br \/>Anger management<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s interesting, in hindsight or when witnessed in others, what anger, especially unyielding, unending anger, actually means. Generally, it is a mechanism in the futile attempt to mask insecurity. But it\u2019s about as successful as parading around town in a shirt that says, \u201cI\u2019m not insecure. Really.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You reek of it. Trust me. And being a constant bitch isn\u2019t a sign of empowerment, nor does it make you seem strong. It just makes you a bitch. And, ironically, it broadcasts your weaknesses.<\/p>\n<p>I know because I spent a few years on that ledge, fueled by rage and spewing vitriol. It takes one to know one.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Forgiveness<\/p>\n<p>There is no way that I can explain all the things that I\u2019ve done and do. And there is no way that you can forgive me. So? I forgive you.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>25-ish<\/p>\n<p>I never thought there\u2019d come a day when 25 would seem so irritatingly young. I remember being on the school bus when I was eight or nine and we\u2019d go from lower campus at Kamehameha to pick up the kids in high school on upper campus. They seemed so old. Now I look at ninth graders and they seem so tiny. The same transformation has happened with twentysomethings. When you are one? You rule the world. You know every answer. And your way is the right way.<\/p>\n<p>It takes hindsight, I guess, to recalculate and add up all the stupid fucking decisions and the risky behavior that when bulletproof seem like manifest destiny, but in reality is mostly the luck of the draw. If I met the me from ages 25 \u2013 35, I would tell him to quit being such a fucking asshole. Think of those that love you. And can you please try to step out of yourself for one second?<\/p>\n<p>My new theory is that it\u2019s evolutionary. We need that bravado and sluttiness to propagate our genes. But at what cost? I\u2019m not that old, really. But I see more clearly things in other people that I don\u2019t like. And what you hate the most in others? Is really what you hate about yourself.<\/p>\n<p>July 29, 2012\u202f <br \/>Here\u2019s the deal<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve been through at least three of you. This is all you\u2019ve seen of me.<\/p>\n<p>One of the rules that I live my life by, and there aren\u2019t many, goes as follows never ask a question that you don\u2019t already know the answer to. Especially when the answer might be, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>July 30, 2012\u202f <br \/>Better<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re get better than anyone at anything you try to be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSeems like I\u2019ve been trying to be a loser.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd, again, you\u2019re the best.\u201d <br \/>\u201cCold comfort.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t have to be this way.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes. It does.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlmost everything is a choice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlmost.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou need it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNeed what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not quite sure, but it\u2019s whatever the fuck fuel that makes you move.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTechnically, I stay still most often.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd there it is.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd there you are.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>A different focus<\/p>\n<p>Focus your weaknesses. Channel your obsessive compulsive tendencies into one event. I guarantee you it will be a success, and there\u2019s no possible way that you might be disappointed. It\u2019s inconceivable.<\/p>\n<p>If it didn\u2019t involve people (okay person) that I care about, it would almost be funny. Self-induced implosions are fun from the outside.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>If nothing is true<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI gotta go.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI understand. Go.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI didn\u2019t know it was going to be like this.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWeird. I did.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen why\u2019d you come?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBecause I thought I might be wrong.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou and everyone else.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes, this time there was a kind of consensus.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo, why?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Learn how to kill your darlings<\/p>\n<p>It hurts at first. But soon enough, time reveals itself to be like water, dissolving everything eventually. The attachment is like any other. The initial separation sears, but the following ache only hurts when you think about it.<\/p>\n<p>August 4, 2012\u202f <br \/>Sympathy for the devil<\/p>\n<p>I remember calling collect from central booking and asking what happened. <br \/>\u201cDid you tell them you kicked me? Did you tell them that I was trying to stop you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But you didn\u2019t. And so the myth began that now stands, at least officially, as fact. Before my five minutes were up you told me I was going to lose everything. And I remember thinking how final that seemed over something that was basically a loud mistake. What I didn\u2019t know then, of course, was that you had already started to bury me.<\/p>\n<p>The sad thing is that you were right. I did lose everything. It took a whole bunch of consistent insistence on your part and a systemic complicity that was so one-sided in its advocacy that it really needs to be experienced to understand. But I learned the hard way that once an official decision is made, everything\u2013every single thing\u2013is used, excluded, or willfully distorted in support of that version of events. No one else was there, but two actual witnesses somehow morphed into certainty, as if there existed virtual cameras and audio spyware, or infallible psychological analyses of behavior and intent.<\/p>\n<p>Everything I had is gone. Four bedrooms and a two-car garage now somehow fit into a suitcase, an overnight bag, and a backpack. I can carry everything in one trip. And I have learned that the position of the devil\u2019s advocate is not necessarily a place of antagonism, or pessimistic dissent. Evil is sometimes just bad press.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>The mariner\u2019s revenge song<\/p>\n<p>It can\u2019t possibly remain the way you left it. Otherwise life has no meaning. We really are nothing. Chaos and stardust scattered like the proverbial room of infinite monkeys typing\u202fHamlet.<\/p>\n<p>A curse on you for what died and didn\u2019t need to, especially if there\u2019s no other life. That is the great tragedy of the wasted lives we waste for wasted reasons. Drunk driving, Iraq, suicide. What if this is all there is? What if your memory forward reflects the one you can\u2019t remember of the eternity behind you? There is no answer. And in my greatest fear, but in my almost absolute belief, is silence.<\/p>\n<p>No one wants to believe this is all we have. But look. 100 billion human and\/or human-like creatures in close to a million years. Prove anything. Nothing. Empty.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s what you do. Love your daughter. Cherish your son. So when they\u2019re alive, at least, they know how much they were loved.<\/p>\n<p>This horrible system only knows how to be what it is. There is probably no individual immortality. The best we can hope for is to eat eternity. Live for the now. Pray that it\u2019s not painful. Try not to be sad that it\u2019s most likely nothing.<\/p>\n<p>August 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>Don\u2019t be so paranoid<\/p>\n<p>Most likely? They\u2019re not out to get you. More likely? They\u2019re acting in their own self interest. And if you impede that self interest in any material way, you should expect some kind of push back. The greater the perceived threat, the harder the push. And, yes, the word perceived was chosen specifically and deliberately. A real threat isn\u2019t a necessary component in reaction.<\/p>\n<p>Paranoia, in the parlance of our times, gives aid and comfort to the enemy. Paranoia is a self-inflicted attack, doing unnecessary damage that otherwise might not even happen. You can, in certain circumstances, change the way a person acts. But this is almost always temporary. People are going to believe what they are going to believe. And their behavior generally follows in accordance with this truism. Worrying about it doesn\u2019t change a thing.<\/p>\n<p>August 8, 2012\u202f <br \/>Clams have feelings, too (actually they don\u2019t)<\/p>\n<p>Pain still hurts. I can feel that, so I guess I\u2019m still alive. It\u2019s counterintuitive, but sometimes pain is preferable to the alternative, if the alternative is nothing. It\u2019s hard to explain to those not bothered by nothing. Some people, actually most people, manage to fill their whole lives with nothing. Who can blame them, then, for looking down their noses at those who are willing to sacrifice everything to avoid nothing? (Read it again, I promise that makes sense. And if it doesn\u2019t, it wasn\u2019t meant for you.)<\/p>\n<p>August 9, 2012\u202f <br \/>Yeah, but<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt still hurts.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s supposed to hurt.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen it\u2019s working.\u201d <br \/>\u201cGood.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t like you much.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI hate you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSee? That just proves you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>August 13, 2012\u202f <br \/>Thoughts, not so much abridged<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you do?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cHe bakes bread. He fixes cars. What do you do?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI think.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou think?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy should I care?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI think very deeply.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI sometimes do as well.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat do you know about me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know you don\u2019t think deeply.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>August 15, 2012\u202f <br \/>I wish I could have been there to share the moon with you<\/p>\n<p>But what you can reach is sometimes limited. Given what we wanted, we would grab. But sometimes you have to wait. And I hate waiting as much as anyone. But the pleasure. Pleasure isn\u2019t the right word. It\u2019s somehow what makes things right. Passion, kisses, observation, intensity. I mean, who needs love if you have that sometimes?<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>A prayer for the wicked<\/p>\n<p>Are you real? And if you are, do you ever intervene? Or are we a collective ball rolling to the same unseen? I understand I\u2019ve done some really dumb things, trying to fill the hole you put inside all of us. And in doing, I\u2019ve hurt people that love me, and who I love. Do you listen to all the whispers? Which get granted? I\u2019m not sure I believe in the concept of you, at least not the way people think. But perhaps, you\u2019re my last best chance, a lottery ticket with infinitesimally small odds. But you\u2019ve got to play to win.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What do you want?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRemember the days we thought we were going to live forever?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd now?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNow, everything comes to an end.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWas it ever any different?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat are you saying?\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you want to see the blood on my hands. They\u2019re sort of out there.\u201d <br \/>\u201cStop talking like that and tell me what you mean.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing lasts forever.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou already said that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI said it differently.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd I wasn\u2019t supposed to notice the difference?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo one ever does.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI did.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAs usual, you are the exception that proves the rule.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI like that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt sounds better than it is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Every time you say, \u201cGoodnight,\u201d I hear, \u201cGoodbye\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s weird for me like that. If it\u2019s going to happen, it happens instantly. And when it ends it always comes with shock and awe. Though we both of us, we know, how the end always is. My ends at least. I feel everything in exponential measures. And I haven\u2019t quite decided if that\u2019s something to hold on to. I\u2019m less than stable, I know, and I\u2019ve been your cause for woe, but I\u2019ve loved you ever since you said, \u201cHello.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(I stole that last thought from a singer you\u2019ve never heard of.)<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What I like<\/p>\n<p>Leering off-puttingly, digging awkward silences, reducing elements to their simplest forms, recognizing duplicity, moral turpitude, being the most clever boy in the room, nuzzling the girlfriend, rousing rabbles, and manifesting a nuanced understanding of the human condition.<\/p>\n<p>August 17, 2012\u202f <br \/>How could hell be any worse<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI remember thinking.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s your first problem.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou actually interrupted me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know. I didn\u2019t want to hear how it finished. Finishes? Finished.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFunny.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not trying to be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s the best kind of funny.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>This is the life<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow come so much?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIf it was easy everyone would have it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t want it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s not really your choice.\u201d <br \/>\u201cChoice?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI like the word.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnother lie?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI prefer illusion.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI guess that sounds better.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMost things sound better than the truth.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTrue?\u201d <br \/>\u201cReasonable facsimiles.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhatever.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s your problem.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMy one problem?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat is amongst your problems.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhich is?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou live too much in the what if, and especially in the what was, instead of the what now.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDeep.\u201d <br \/>\u201cDrown, then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>August 18, 2012\u202f <br \/>The guy code<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI took her home.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhy?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s the guy code.\u201d <br \/>\u201cOf course. What?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWe both like her, but you did first, so I defer.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou deferred?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThanks.\u201d <br \/>\u201cUnless she\u2019s very open minded and then, um, see you at the after party.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Achtung<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were only 18 when you started.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re only ever anything whenever you start anything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAlways so clever.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not trying to be.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen stop.\u201d <br \/>\u201cStop what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhatever it is that makes this happen.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThis?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou.\u201d <br \/>\u201cFuck you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd that\u2019s what it comes to?\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat? That is what it is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Knowing<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve known you since your name wasn\u2019t your name.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMy name has always been my name.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat?\u201d <br \/>\u201cPower always lies in the person who cares less.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou care?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI never cared less than more.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>August 25, 2012\u202f <br \/>I feel funny<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t like to feel this way. I think before you die your mind clarifies.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAre you dying?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot today, but I feel like there must be some moment of truth.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIs that my responsibility?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNot unless you want it to be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>October 16, 2012\u202f <br \/>Exclusivity<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou are an unreliable narrator.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do you mean? <br \/>\u201cYou keep talking about her as if she\u2019s here.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cBut I can see her.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhere do you see her?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhere she stands. Where she moves. Where she speaks. I can hear her voice. Soft. Mellifluous. Her hands are open.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou know you sound crazy? Or drunk.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t think those two are mutually exclusive.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>E ala e (She wakes, she wakes. She rises.)<\/p>\n<p>You are so internal to what means everything, yet juxtaposed with what means nothing at all. It\u2019s funny how the two go so well together.<\/p>\n<p>Your lies are precious to me. In a way, I guess lies show that you care about the reaction.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>430 am<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you know how I know you love me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cBecause I put up with your shit?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. Anybody can put up with shit.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ll bite. Why?\u201d <br \/>\u201cDo you love me?\u201d <br \/>\u201cOf course I do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen I\u2019ll tell you you pick up the phone.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI pick up the phone? That\u2019s it?\u202fThat\u202fis how you know?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou just picked it up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s four-thirty in the morning.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhich means I love you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cExactly.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m hanging up now. Don\u2019t call back.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIf I did it\u2019d be a test.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t like being tested.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen don\u2019t hang up.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m going to sleep. I love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI already told you I know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Optional<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI look. And I can see your hands.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThey are, actually, visible.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI look, and I see much more.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI don\u2019t want you to cry. Sad is so emotional.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI see you bigger than this. Was that your intent? To be bigger?\u201d <br \/>\u201cEverything turns out that way.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt means I love you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ll believe that when you are kissing my mouth and have no other options.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>October 24, 2012\u202f <br \/>The mask<\/p>\n<p>Before there were cars or airplanes, before there were cities, before there was electric light, before there was Facebook, before there were computers even, there was day and there was night. Life was simpler. It wasn\u2019t better or worse than it is now. It just was what it was.<\/p>\n<p>Every morning, the sun would come up over the edge of the ocean with streaks of yellow and orange making a path to land over the turquoise water. As morning turned into day, the sun would rise high, changing the colors of sky, lighting the clouds and warming the ground, while the people moved around far below.<\/p>\n<p>After a few hours, though, the sun would disappear behind the other side of the tall mountains to the west, and late every afternoon, slowly, the sky would turn darker, back through all the different shades of blue, from celeste to indigo, and finally to black and night.<\/p>\n<p>No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to imagine how dark the night used to be.<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Raison d\u2019\u00eatre<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy\u2019d you do it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt does to me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThere are a million different reasons to do any one thing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat was yours?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt wouldn\u2019t make sense to you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTry me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019d prefer to be difficult?\u201d <br \/>\u201cPrefer? No.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThen, what?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI can\u2019t do what you\u2019re asking.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat am I asking?\u201d <br \/>\u201cFor a reason that you\u2019ll understand.\u201d <br \/>\u201cAnd?\u201d <br \/>\u201cOne doesn\u2019t exist. There are only a million reasons, not just one. \u201d <br \/>\u201cSo what do I do with that?\u201d <br \/>\u201cChoose one that makes sense to you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cEven if it\u2019s not true?\u201d <br \/>\u201cEspecially if it isn\u2019t.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIs this a game to you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat is it?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt just is what it is. No more. No less.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>November 6, 2012\u202f <br \/>Why would I care<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s the difference between, \u2018Yes,\u2019 or, \u2018No?\u2019\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cShe can\u2019t say no?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWords don\u2019t matter?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIn your instance? In this situation?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo?\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt\u2019s rare that anything ever matters. And that you think it might? Sort of makes me happy for a minute.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSee? You always ruin it.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMe?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYes. You.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>What makes you think something is wrong<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNothing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re calling me at 2am because nothing is wrong?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo. I called you at 8pm where I\u2019m from.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhatever. What\u2019s up?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI really don\u2019t feel like being pathetic now that the sun is down.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe sun goes down every day, K.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know. I\u2019m working on that.\u201d <br \/>\u201cLet me know how that goes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI will. But it\u2019s probably going to be at 2am. Your time.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019ll be sure not to answer.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u202f <br \/>Come clean<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdmit you love me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI\u2019m not admitting anything.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou didn\u2019t say no.\u201d <br \/>\u201cI never say no to you.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSure you do.\u201d <br \/>\u201cEventually I always say yes.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThat\u2019s because you love me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cNo.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSee?\u201d <br \/>\u201cI see nothing.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSay the word and I\u2019d give you the world. I mean I would try.\u201d <br \/>\u201cTry.\u201d <br \/>\u201cIt might be hard to fit in my car.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe world?\u201d <br \/>\u201cAmong other things.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYou\u2019re so fucking clever.\u201d <br \/>\u201cPerhaps.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow is that working out for you?\u201d <br \/>\u201cJudging by results?\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhat other judgment is there?\u201d <br \/>\u201cNone I guess.\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo?\u201d <br \/>\u201cSo I guess I failed.\u201d <br \/>\u201cMaybe.\u201d <br \/>\u201cStill the offer.\u201d <br \/>\u201cWhich is?\u201d <br \/>\u201cSay the word and I\u2019ll give you what you need from me.\u201d <br \/>\u201cThe word.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>November 14, 2012\u202f <br \/>Schr\u00f6dinger\u2019s cat<\/p>\n<p>The past seems set in stone, and the future merely a possibility, but Schr\u00f6dinger helped me understand that the actual future is as inevitable as the actual past. And if it were possible to somehow \u201cknow\u201d the infinite factors that manifest in our consciousness as the present (ever fleeting), then we would know with as much precision what will happen and what has happened simultaneously and infinitely in either direction. Lacking these infinite factors is my defense to every bad decision I have ever made, am currently making, or will ever make.<\/p>\n<p>November 15, 2012\u202f <br \/>Degrees of bullshit<\/p>\n<p>Take a deep breath. Feel your feelings. Everything either means everything, or it means nothing at all. Something deep down inside is trying so hard to believe in the former. What are we except the smallest parts of what we are?<\/p>\n<p>December 5, 2012\u202f <br \/>Punk memories<\/p>\n<p>\u201cH\u00fcsker D\u00fc somehow made it big. You know? Bob Mould, Sugar? And they only came from nowhere like St. Paul. Like the Hold Steady. Though I guess they reference Brooklyn as \u201chome\u201d now and sing a lot about Ybor City.\u201d <br \/>\u201cYbor City?\u201d <br \/>\u201cYeah, it\u2019s this party part of Tampa. I don\u2019t really know the connection, but they sing about it more than once.\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow do you remember all that minutiae?\u201d <br \/>\u201cHow did you forget?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>December 10, 2012\u202f <br \/>The original wreckage of our hope<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m hoping that perhaps, this time, that the past can stay the past. I used to joke that I would never come back here, \u201cWhat do you think? I\u2019m stupid? Do you think I would ever let her do that to me again?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And so it is. And here I am. Back again. You caught me looking for the same thing. What it is I can\u2019t even say for sure. I can hardly recognize it, let alone describe it. Like the Supreme Court definition of obscenity, I can\u2019t tell you what it is, but I\u2019ll know it when I see it.<\/p>\n<p>It certainly feels real. And I certainly do seem to want it. So do you. Why else would we keep crossing paths? Two intersecting lines only meet once and then go on forever in opposite directions. Clearly you and I are not lines. To carry the ridiculous mathematic metaphor to its extreme we are more like a wave meeting repeatedly at some random axis. Perhaps we never will-or at least were never meant to-overlap. But when our points meet, the equation of my life seems correct.<\/p>\n<p>It all makes sense to me.<\/p>\n<p>December 11, 2012\u202f <br \/>Wherefore art thou<\/p>\n<p>In the past you\u2019ve told people you thought that I was faking it. Whatever\u202fit\u202fis. Perhaps now you see how wrong you were. There are many things you can say about me, many of them derogatory, and most of them are probably true, but fake isn\u2019t one of them. If I lie, it\u2019s with intent.<\/p>\n<p>And so the terrible lurch downward appears from certain vantage points to have lurched downward again, this time in your universe. And from on high it is easy, I suppose, to look down to the place where I\u2019ve chosen to stand. I would think it might be hard to make a judgment about that choice considering you have most likely never stood here yourself. If you\u2019re thinking (and I\u2019m pretty sure you are), \u201cthat\u2019s\u202fyour\u202fchoice,\u201d this time you\u2019d be correct. Everything everyone ever does, consciously for sure, but unconsciously even more so, is done by choice. Every situation, every action, every failure to act, every consequence, are all an amalgamated product of the infinite set of choices made incrementally from one nanosecond to the next in the history of time that was, and that will ever be.<\/p>\n<p>We share the same nature, if not nurture; even our mannerisms are quite similar. But our constitutions could not be any more different if they were purposefully made to be so. Even our drugs of choice, and I\u2019m speaking metaphorically, are diametrically opposed. Judgment, then, from either side seems to me to be at least hypocritical and most likely disingenuous. The fire that burns in me, that often burns me, seems only to simmer in you in a place where control is never not an option. The corollary, of course, is that you never get burned if you\u2019re never on fire.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s too much, I understand, often it feels too much for me as well. Oh, but there are moments when too much feels like it could never possibly be enough. Please don\u2019t use the threat of my alleged influence as explication. There are many examples of bad choices being made, hidden and not so much, that occurred, are occurring, and will most likely continue to occur. It\u2019s pretty clear to me how easily mine might serve as a deflection from these. But, in fact, beliefs to the contrary, until the levee broke, the raging waters of my predilections were hidden from those to whom they should have been. And even then the Earth didn\u2019t flood.<\/p>\n<p>My reputation, though inaccurate, was occasionally deserved, and enough of the myth was true to make for a cohesive narrative. I should have been more attuned to the power of perception, especially considering I have dedicated my professional and creative life to altering perceptions. I was careless. But the contrarian in me, as it so often does, bristled at interpretations of my actions as weakness, or in need of outside control. Contrary becomes self-righteous sometimes. And self-righteous easily morphs into reckless, which often continues down the path to self-destructive. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I give you exhibits A through Z.<\/p>\n<p>But, as is often true in trial, things are never really as they seem. Almost nothing is black or white, not even black and white. It is too often incorrectly repeated that there are two sides to every story. I would suggest that there are actually, potentially, an infinite number of sides, depending on how many people are looking. I\u202fknow\u202fthe answer to the age-old philosophical quandary as to whether truth is relative. Of course it is. Reality is relative.<\/p>\n<p>As you probably already know from my ramblings, I am a firm believer in the philosophical implications of quantum theory, and I can see clearly, more so than in most situations even, how it applies here. Nothing happens by accident, nothing happens without being observed, nothing cannot be predicted, and nothing can be changed. And I assure you, that your reality is far different from mine. But that doesn\u2019t make it any less true.<\/p>\n<p>I love you.<\/p>\n<p>December 24, 2012\u202f <br \/>Love conquers not much<\/p>\n<p>I wouldn\u2019t go as far as to define emotion as illusion, but it is definitely illusory. Perhaps compulsory might be a better choice of word. Who feels it knows it, as the song says, and this often seems the only way of knowing.<\/p>\n<p>She likes her apples room temperature and her red wine cold, sometimes even on ice. And these facts betray two strange truths 1) that I know her well enough to recall these preferences with no effort on my part, and 2) that in anyone else these might be deal-breakers. What makes for tolerance or acceptance, even celebration, in some, brings only cringes and bad-tastes-in-mouths in almost everyone else. Go figure.<\/p>\n<p>December 26, 2012\u202f <br \/>There must be some kind of way out of here<\/p>\n<p>I always knew this day would come; I knew this was going to happen. Even when I hated you, I loved you. Do I enjoy thinking about others with you? I\u2019ll be honest. No. Part of the process seems to require pain. And as much as I claim Machiavelli as my own? That ends justify the means bullshit is just that. It\u2019s bullshit. I would have preferred different means to this end.<\/p>\n<p>But here it is at whatever it is. I feel like I can take a breath. They were all because of you, sometimes not quite obvious, still true.<\/p>\n<p>You can lie. You can hide. But, I see you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>January 2, 2012\u202f Life \u201cMake food. Take a bath. Do the fucking dishes.\u201d \u201cAre you implying that I don\u2019t?\u201d \u201cNot by the looks of things.\u201d \u201cMaybe not often.\u201d \u201cNot often enough. How do you get a woman?\u201d \u201cI get plenty of women.\u201d \u201cNo, you get girls. Girls will put up with shit. They don\u2019t know &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/kalaniperry.com\/?page_id=63\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;2012&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-63","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>2012 - Kalani Perry v5.6<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/kalaniperry.com\/?page_id=63\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"2012 - Kalani Perry v5.6\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"January 2, 2012\u202f Life \u201cMake food. Take a bath. Do the fucking dishes.\u201d \u201cAre you implying that I don\u2019t?\u201d \u201cNot by the looks of things.\u201d \u201cMaybe not often.\u201d \u201cNot often enough. How do you get a woman?\u201d \u201cI get plenty of women.\u201d \u201cNo, you get girls. Girls will put up with shit. 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Take a bath. Do the fucking dishes.\u201d \u201cAre you implying that I don\u2019t?\u201d \u201cNot by the looks of things.\u201d \u201cMaybe not often.\u201d \u201cNot often enough. How do you get a woman?\u201d \u201cI get plenty of women.\u201d \u201cNo, you get girls. Girls will put up with shit. 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