This is always how it starts. The voices and music don\u2019t come until much later. But this is how it starts.<\/p>\n
The anger and the boredom build. Drown them both in wine. Then regret. And try to stop. Usually, on your own. Usually, it works. Overdose on B12 and fill yourself with water until your bladder bursts. Take cold water baths. Bath because you don\u2019t want to seize and fall in the shower. Not too much water, because you don\u2019t want to drown like Whitney Houston. Soft music. Shallow cold water. B12, B12, B12. Valium if you have it. Ativan, but that usually requires an ER visit. Lie down in the dark, someplace soft in case you seize and fall.<\/p>\n
Who would choose this? Your judgment means nothing. I don\u2019t want this any more than the people who love me want to watch it.<\/p>\n
And I know you\u2019re mad at me. I said some shit before I started trying to kick. That ain\u2019t me. I mean, I guess it\u2019s obviously a part of me. This fucking predilection. I guess I mean it, but it\u2019s shit you don\u2019t say out loud, yet you do when you\u2019re fucked up.<\/p>\n
Am I going to kick this time? Probably not forever. It\u2019s a running joke among addicts of every kind: it\u2019s so easy to quit, I\u2019ve done it 75 times. But that, if there is one, is the devil. And when you dance with the devil, I promise you, the devil doesn\u2019t change. You do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This is always how it starts. The voices and music don\u2019t come until much later. But this is how it starts. The anger and the boredom build. Drown them both in wine. Then regret. And try to stop. Usually, on your own. Usually, it works. Overdose on B12 and fill yourself with water until your … <\/p>\n